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Old 02-04-2011, 02:20 AM
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greeneyes greeneyes is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Central FL
Posts: 27
Default one n00b to another...

Helloo there... I know that I'm just sort of dipping my toe in the water with all this stuff, and most of y'all have a lot more experience here, but I have to say that I would ask first how the dynamics in the current relationship are, before advising...

I think that honesty is definitely the best policy. For myself (as someone with a partner who's recently sort of been at the helm of our relationship going in a non-monogamous direction) I would want to know if there were any immediate interests in other partners, if this were an influencing factor on my relationships foundations being "rocked," as it were.... some folks might not feel that this is actually what happens when a person "comes out" as poly, but I think it might be a common feeling for folks who had their mind sort of "set" on a monogamous relationship and then that changes relatively suddenly...
I would DEFINITELY want to know if any actions were being planned. I think if my partner were to leave things out (deliberately) I would feel like I were being deceived. If she tells me up front it will possibly hurt but at the same time it 1.gets the hardest part out of the way more quickly and 2. would let me make a fully-informed decision about what kind of actions I want to take going forward to prepare/acclimate myself to what is going on.

I think you might have said this, but I did want to ask... does your partner know that anything about non-monogamy? Is she the type that gets jealous easily, or is easily hurt if she feels she has to "share" you? Those things may color your approach... but even if she is this type of person, I would be thoroughly honest regardless, to be fair to her. I don't think you would want her to "hide" things from you, right?

I think, and I hope I'm not off base in sayin' this ('cause I *am* a n00b in this world), that there's a chance that if you want to proceed, come out as poly in a healthy way with informed and enthusiastic consent on all sides, then slowing waaay down might be a good idea...
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