Once trust has been violated, it is hard to get it back. Once it does come back, it is even harder to keep. Little things will set off the deep hurt all over again. Itís as if things are just barely stitched back together and even the smallest jerk will rip out the stitches and re-open the larger wound, complete with blood gushing everywhere. This doesn't seem to only be limited to the person who initially violated your trust, it seeps into all your other relationships as well.
I think this is because we don't actually heal, we just think we do.
I was brutally raped. When it was done, I had bite marks and bruises up and down my back so bad that someone giving me a hug was so painful I fell to the ground in tears (and I have a high pain threshhold).
A HUGE breach of trust.
A HUGE trauma.
A HUGE wound to heal.
For a time,
every time someone was behind me
every time someone touched my back
every time I took a shower or bath with the door and/or curtain closed
every time I had sex
every time I was startled
I would freak out and the emotions from the rape would return instantly and I'd relive the experience in one way or another.
Many people live the rest of their lives this way.
I wanted to have a life of joy-not a life of fear. So I actively forced myself through every emotion and relived every step while working on understanding what I needed to be able to accept that what had happened, was no longer the reality of what was happening.
It was a LOT of work.
But honestly, I don't have that trepidation or fear any more.
Now-before anyone say it-because it would make sense for someone to say it,
my rapist isn't a stranger or someone who is no longer a part of my life.
I didn't just do the work to be able to "wash them and that experience" from my life.
The person who raped me is a part of my daily life, a part of my household, one of my lovers.
It's a lot of hard work to really address the internal damage when someone breaches your trust. In order to actually heal it-you have to really look inside of yourself to find full forgiveness and acceptance of their failures and your own. You have to really dig deep to find that place inside where you can truly and honestly accept that they are a flawed person, just like you are and that they (just like you) are doing the best that they can in any given moment in their life-including the moment when they broke your trust.
Most people don't make that effort. They only go as far as trying to get over the anger. But they don't actually dig deep to deal with the rest.