I've read the forums for a while but been lurking and learning
My partner and I are both 34, lesbians and have been together for 7 years. We have a 2 1/2 year old son. We've been pretty fluid around the openness of our relationship at various times and had the usual assosciated problems with it being fluid and therefore non-negotiated much of the time which of course leads to heartache. But generally we've had a very strong relationship and have weathered the ups and downs really well.
We recently moved from a large city to a small town where we know very few people. It's been a difficult time and we've had some r/ship problems around my partner drinking/drugging/staying out all night and not sticking to any boundaries which is totally new to me. These problems have been witnessed by our friends. Recently my partner said to me she was feeling suffocated in our r/ship and wanted to open things up and I agreed. That has led to much more negotiation and her starting to adhere to boundaries instead of acting rebellious and stupid so even though it breaks the "rules" of having a really good, strong thing going and then opening up it has instead taken our r/ship problems and fixed quite a few of them.
Now my partner has a special friend who she has been seeing who I really like and am close to. And I started becoming very close to a woman who is partnered and in a relationship that has very strict boundaries about her playing outside of it. One of the rules in their r/ship is no playing with anyone from the town we live in. Now I was equal friends with this woman (T) and her partner (K), but in recent times her partner has been extremely busy with work/study things and T and I became very very close and flirting heavily. We've had a bit of a kiss and cuddle but we both agreed that we would back off so she could negotiate permission to sleep with me once her partners study thing ended. T has cheated on K in the past and we agreed that the cheating thing is not on so we would only move ahead if K agreed.
Well T went to K to ask permission/ renegotiate the boundaries and K has absolutely flipped out and sent me abusive text messages accusing me of seducing her girlfriend and being a liar and bad friend. She also wrote terrible things about my primary relationship and accused me of only being interested in her girlfriend to "sop up my misery" in my primary r/ship. She says that I knew their "no locals" rule and that I've shown her dreadful disrespect. I have since spoken to her and said I don't disrespect her - that I did not have sex with her partner and that I had discussed with her partner that if she wanted to renegotiate their boundaries then that was their business and I would not be involved sexually with her until they did. But basically, she still hates me.
I guess I'm asking where to from here? I have very strong feelings for this woman. We have an amazing friendship with much of our time together based on family events with her kids and my family and friends (including my partners lover). I would hate to lose her friendship and will be devastated if we can't spend time together. I have strong romantic feelings towards her, but mainly we are just very close friends who support and care for each other. Her partner is furious and apparently the fighting at their place is dreadful over this. But her partner also leaves for a month overseas in 3 days time which will mean I can spend as much time with T as I like until her return.
Should I be avoiding spending time with T while her GF is overseas? I'm concerned our strong feelings will spill over into sex which goes against our original intention of openness and honesty. And I'm also worried that our relationship will become even stronger and then T may be forced to choose between leaving their pretty much mono relationship to pursue poly (her preference) or to have no relationship with me at all and stay in her mono. T has already told me that she's always been able to compartmentalise sexual relationships separate to her primary r/ship but that she has really intense feelings for me that make her want more of me all the time. We spark on such a deep and intense level I haven't felt something like this since I met my partner. I'm currently staying away from them while they sort things out in the time leading up to her GF going overseas.
I'm feeling very confused. I thought we had done the right thing by sticking to flirting with each other until things could be negotiated but now I've been painted as a "scarlet woman". I'm feeling very guilty for all the trouble this has caused them, but also I'm dreadfully missing my friend and longing to be in contact with her.
Any advice offered I'd be grateful for! Should I run away from this whole thing until they sort it out? Or should I stay close to the woman I have such a close connection with and ride out the storm?
ETA: Before T asked for negotiation around sleeping with me, K had already asked for a "free pass" to fuck whomever she pleased during her O/S travels and was given it.