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Old 02-02-2011, 11:57 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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On this particular forum there is a big push (having been on here for over a year) to "go as slow as the slowest person in the relationship is comfortable".

I wonder-are you refering to a poly-community when you say that there seems to be a push?


In my experience (which has been a nightmare in many ways so please take this with a grain of salt)

the biggest issue is each party understanding that first and foremost they ARE individuals. I'll try to explain what I mean.

It is PERFECTLY ok to not do something that you are not comfortable with. It's not perfectly ok to tell someone else to not do something that they are comfortable doing.

SO-if I want to have two lovers-that should be my right.
IF on the other hand my lovers do not wish to have more than one lover, that should be their right.
ALSO it should be their right not to participate in 3somes (or more) with me if they do not wish to.
In fact it should be their right not to participate in sex with ME if they aren't comfortable doing that.

But it's not reasonable when a person takes their own "limitations" and attempts to press them upon someone else's actions/behaviors.

Now where this gets complicated with Poly-is that it's COMMON for people to think, well, if he dates another person TOO-then I should have a say-so in it. That's fine if BOTH of you agree to that limitation-but if one of you doesn't, the basic rule that you can only control yourself comes back into play.

For me, I see this when Maca shows an interest in being with me and another woman-it's not my place to tell him he CAN'T be with another woman, but I can say I AM NOT GOING TO BE.
I can also say that if HE isn't agreeable to safer sex practices I am not willing to have sex with him, but I can't tell him that he HAS to follow those practices just because it's my preference.

Too often the "slower one" in the relationship isn't trying to limit their own behavior/actions-they are trying to control/limit the OTHER person's behavior/actions.

Ok, that's getting long. I apologize if it's off track or confusing....
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