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Old 02-02-2011, 08:39 PM
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greeneyes greeneyes is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Central FL
Posts: 27
Default timidness, trepidation, etc...

I have noted that on this forum, and on other poly sites, an emphasis on "not dragging one's feet," and this seems to relate to how long you drag out "the inevitable"- that is to say, the facing of one's fears- before confronting those fears head-on.

Angeleyes and I have had different ways of dealing with fear throughout our lives- or maybe it's better said that we have had different ways of prioritizing the fears that we choose to confront, if that makes sense.

We talked this morning about my "blackout warehouse party" thoughts and I was a bit defensive, because I felt like she was already in the planning stages and I was still at the "this is a sorta cool fantasy" stage. We figured out how to dissolve the defensiveness if this kind of thing happens in the future- it's more about reassurance than anything, I think.

But I wonder how many poly people feel that they are being "held back" by monogamy, and end up pushing their partners (mono or not) to go forward with experiences that the partners may not feel secure in doing? It seems like this is approached in this community with a bit of an "it's-for-your-own-good" mentality, which seems a tad patronizing and coercive.

I guess that I feel like real consent means that both parties need to show enthusiasm for what's about to happen. If that enthusiasm doesn't emerge organically at the outset, that doesn't mean that the person who's hesitant is somehow flawed or wrong about having misgivings. Loving and caring discussion about difficult boundaries is one thing, and it's another to take on the responsibility of pushing another person's limits "for their own good." Hmmm.

One thing that I do fear is that moment when I know that I'll have to swim or sink. I have a very profound love for Angeleyes, and my first instinct with her a lot of the time is to just do what she desires, even when it conflicts with my own needs. I believe a lot of the time our less pleasant conversations arise when I am trying to balance my love for her and wish to demonstrate that love with a need to stand up for myself and have my boundaries respected. I get overly emotional and sometimes end up saying the wrong things or being very defensive and guarded.

I will say that this non-monogamy discussion has led us to have much better understanding of each other.
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