I'm still reading, sometimes! Even though we talk all the time, it's still nice to see it in writing, since things usually come out more fluidly when written...
Anyways, I've been doing a lot better with the situation. I've put a lot of mental energy into the situation. It's been a bit of a rough ride for me, emotionally the last couple weeks. I've been working on breaking a lot of molds for myself. I've been talking with a couple of friends, and they've helped me out a lot. Mostly it was my own process of figuring out why my fears are there, and understanding them.
For a while, I didn't really want to see casual kissing. It scared me for some reason. Then, on Sunday night, I was thinking about it, and I realized that's how I show my love for people. I show my love through physical touching, kissing, hugging etc. So I felt like if they shared that too, it would lessed what I have. I know that's not true, and I never thought it, but it was what I felt.
Last night Jen and I were talking, and I madeanother pretty good step. I realized that I give out a lot of love. Most of the guys under me, I love them. Hand hugs, hugs, shoulder rubs... Haha They get a lot of love from me. It seems like the more good people around me I have, the more that I love them all. After I realized that, it made a little bit more sense how Jen operates. It's not quite the same, but it's very similar.
Also, just because of the way I initially viewed the situation, I looked at it like a problem. J was filling a role that I couldn't, and I wanted to fix that. That's what I do after all, I fix things. If it's not working, I change myself to fit the situation. Unfortunately, it's not something that I can do. It was hard for me to accept, but I've come to the realization that I do everything I can on a daily basis, and that's all I can do. Once I figured that out, it was a lot easier to accept that J filled a role I could never do, no matter how much I tried. If I can't fill it, why worry about trying to change myself, right?
I'm still working on getting over my fears, and breaking some long established values based on my life experiences, but I've made some very good progress. It seemed like every day the last couple weeks, I've put a lot of thought into the situation, analyzing every single thing. Last night, after the last couple of good stepping stones, I hardly even thought about it at all. It's still hard for me to understand the whole situation, but I'm getting there.
I told J he has to come over a lot more, so I can get used to the situation a lot faster. Plus, since his communication with Jen isn't superlative, it'll probably help her out too.