I feel like I'm writing a lot to myself here, but that's what journaling is about, right?
So many uncertainties here at the beginning of this journey. I don't know if it makes it easier, or more difficult to open the door before the emotions really start flowing. Hubby and I had all of the discussions and boundaries set before we proceeded, which was definitely a wise choice. Watching our relationship grow with this new found communication, has been such a wonderful experience. For our marriage, it was the best thing to do, and our marriage is the most important.
But now, here I am caught in this web of what ifs and don't knows. In my mind, I see this relationship between J and I, and between hubby and I, and hubby and J, then all 3 of us together in a comfortable state. J is interested in seeing where this goes, but I have to wonder if he really is interested in pursuing more than a casual relationship (with benefits), with me.
This is all so new, J and I don't really communicate outside of when he is here, and through text, which is not a very effective from of communication. It often leaves more questions than it does answers. He's coming back Friday for dinner, a movie, some one on one time for him and I while hubby is at work. It seems so far away and I have to reign in my thoughts and not ask him to deep of questions through text because I don't know that what I am after will come across right. In the meantime, I'm antsy as hell.
I want to know if he's holding back because of his relationship with hubby? Am I somebody that he would pursue if the situation where different? When he's here, it sure feels like it, but when he's not, I can't tell. When he's here, I feel a strong physical and emotional connection from both sides. When he's not... I get little of that and my thoughts wander. I don't want to be too aggressive, but when you know what you want, and what you like, it's hard to control that.
What I do know, is that in the last two weeks, through all of this I have felt more in tune with who I am, than I ever have. I feel like a better wife, and a better mother. I want to cherish these moments while I can.