I think what we have is working towards a triad. I felt so alienated from the situation for so long that it was difficult to feel at all romantically towards her. She was just part of this thing that made me totally miserable.
We have resolved many of our issues with talking, and accordingly I've felt more relaxed and have gotten closer to her. I liked her and now I'm starting to love her. And I'm really attracted to her too.
We tend to have sex together rather than in couples and it's generally very good.
So there's that.
We are pussyfooters extraordinaire. My fiance is a very empathic person and happened to grow up in a culture where there was a lot of care-taking going on and not much outward conflict permitted. So he's good at reading people and good at soothing people. But he likes things smooth. So we have this open ended semi-moratorium on speaking about the wedding in front of GF.
I asked him how long this will continue and he says that she feeling sensitive about it right now and we should avoid mentioning it around her. The thing is that I don't remember her ever not being sensitive about it and I don't see some sort of defined trajectory for her becoming less sensitive.
This sort of drives me nuts. My inclination is to talk to her about it and explain that we've been not talking to her about it and that it is not working for me and we need to address her fears in a different way. Fiance wants me to check with him before I talk to her about it.
We have assured her that our marriage means nothing with respect to how we feel about her or the place she holds in our lives. She has trouble with the fact that it means my fiance and I are a COUPLE. She doesn't want to see this evidence, I think, that my fiance and I are so very bound up in one another. But this is blinders. We simply are bound up, the two of us. We are just getting up in front of everyone and saying so.
She is afraid we will leave her and so to some degree we all pretend that each of us has equal status in the relationship. How do all the secondaries out there do it? How are they okay with not being primary? Again, we treat her well and she is dear to us. We try to attend to all her needs and include her as much as we can. But my fiance and I have know each other for half our lives, we fell in love and decided that we wanted to always be together prior to even meeting her.
I hate pussyfooting. Pussyfooting got me 3 months of a virtual stranger sleeping in my fiance's bed 5 days a week.
While fiance is steady and uber-sensitive to everyone's needs, GF and I are a bit of a handful. We were both abused as kids by our mothers. We both have trouble trusting people (working on it!) and tend to withdraw when things feel emotionally dangerous. When gf has needs that aren't being met, she tends to freak out, and conclude that her needs are not possibly going to be met (maybe because mom didn't meet them), and that she has to withdraw and squish down the feeling of needing something to try to feel normal (and perhaps loveable?) again.
I assume she must also have fears of abandonment because she's so very afraid of investing in our collective relationship because we might leave her.
So we are hiding this thing that signifies to her that she is on the outside and might get left.
We have had not very good times some times because of her issues and mine and fiance wanting to smooth things.