Thread: forgiving.
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:02 PM
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ray ray is offline
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I have a hard time with this one. Even when I'm not in the wrong, I usually end up finding something to get down on myself about. I'm working on it. Around this time last year, I got myself in to a scary situation. I had found work as an art model (something I'd done before and it'd been perfectly fine) but this guy was incredibly unprofessional. Ultimately, "nothing" happened but I was still pretty shook up and felt so angry at myself for not protecting myself. I do a martial art which emphasizes self defense and I'm supposed to be this bad-ass woman who's all tough. But I was just really scared and I didn't stick up for myself. It took a long time before I was able to forgive myself. O, actually, really helped me when he compared it to training martial arts. When you train you learn sequences of movement. In asian martial arts, they're called forms. When you learn a form, you practice it and practice it until eventually you know it so well, that it becomes an application. You can pull the movements out on reflex and use them with out thinking about it. I knew the things I was supposed to do to have good boundaries and protect myself but they were still just "forms." Someday, I'll be able to apply what I know without a second thought. And in the last 6 months I have gotten a lot better about drawing boundaries and enforcing them. So relating that to forgiveness... I found that realizing that I couldn't expect myself to do everything right, even if I know what I want to do. I'm going to make mistakes. And I have to take them in stride and know that I learned from the experience. I think that was the first time I really truly internalized that concept. Very important stuff. My only primary right now, is myself. And I've got plenty of work to do on that relationship.
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