The Good Stuff
I found this forum because I wanted a place I could to talk to people who understand the dynamics of a poly relationship. I needed somewhere to vent freely, but because that was my intention, all of my posts about our triad have been negative. Redpepper even said something along the lines of she can't see what I am getting out of this relationship. I know you didn't mean anything hurtful, and it was a fair thing to wonder based on what little I *have* said.
So this is my post about them... the one that will, hopefully, demonstrate why I think it's worth fighting for, why I think it's worth the effort, and what I get out of our triangle.
He is rock solid. He has never, in ten and a half years, broken a promise to me. His integrity is amazing. He holds himself to a standard few can hope to attain. Thanks to him, I have learned a lot about empty promises, vows and follow through. I have grown a lot because of this, both as an individual and as a partner.
He has these amazing eyes. When he smiles, really smiles, they crinkle at the corners. It's so damn adorable I want to kiss him every time. When we're intimate, he looks at me exactly the way he did when we first began, accept it's even more intense now... because while passion certainly intensifies the look, it's really about love. His love for me has deepened, and I see that in his eyes.
He is practical, grounded and logical... but then he has this insanely romantic side that comes out every now and then. I know some woman want flowers and frills all the time, but because it's so not his usual MO, when he does that sort of thing it means 100x more than it would if he did it all the time.
He's brilliant. It's annoying at times, but also fascinates me. Education is key to him, and I'd been desperately trying to get back into college when I met him, but couldn't afford to pay off a student loan I had defaulted on (I was young and stupid). He paid it off, and I now have a bachelor's degree because of that. More, he let me go to school full-time, work part-time and supported me, emotionally and financially the entire time. Now, I am in grad school, and he's doing the same.
When I went through infertility, he was my anchor. He kept me from drifting away. He made sure I knew he loved me, regardless of my ability to give him a child. He held me when I cried. He dealt with Clomid mood swings. He was willing to go as far as I wanted to have a child. Every month, when once again I'd "failed," he was there to help me pick up the pieces. When I finally realized my dream of being a stay-at-home-mom was going up in smoke, and I felt like my life had no purpose, he asked me if I wanted to go to graduate school to become a teacher, something I'd dreamed of for years.
We are insanely in synch. We often finish each others' sentences, and we often say exactly the same thing to our girlfriend separately from one another.
He is all I ever dreamed of, and so much more. We have one of those relationships that friends envy and admire. Even now, with our girlfriend, we can be alone and it's still as amazing as ever. I know, without a doubt, that we are forever... because vows are promises, and I have not a single reason in the world to believe he'd ever break them, and plenty of reasons to believe he won't. I am safe in his arms.
She is my first. While I'd kissed a girl (and slightly beyond that), it was a friend and it was out of curiosity. I never really believed I could love a woman, even if I was sexually attracted to them. I met her, and immediately there was just something there... something I recognized as special within the first week. It thrilled and scared me.
She is so sweet, and there is a purity about her that is rarely found. Like my husband, she can make me laugh even when I want to cry. She has held me through my tears and insecurities. When we first met, my husband said something that unexpectedly triggered an old insecurity for me, and I struggled with that for the last few days of our trip to meet her. On our final night, she stepped aside, and watched... she knew I needed to be with my husband that night, she recognized that emotionally it was something I craved. It would be our last night with her, and we had no idea for how long (not very, as it turned out), and she gave me this enormous gift by just letting him and I be us... she was there, but across the room. It was wonderfully sweet, and I will never, ever forget that night. It was in that moment that I knew I could do this, that I knew she was worth it, that she deserved all we could give her, and that she would give us all that she could.
She has the best giggle. I love washing her hair. I love how soft it is after, and how sweet it smells... her smile lights up a room. We share an office, and when I'm home without her here, it's so empty, and so lonely.
She loves music. She makes up silly songs for the dogs. She anthropomorphizes everything, which is something I've always done. She comes up with these crazy stories (like her car and my car had an affair). She loves Gilmore Girls nearly as much as I do. She understood, in a way few who haven't been through it can, how heartbreaking the infertility was for me, and she holds me when it still makes me cry sometimes. She has helped me to heal, a process that would have taken longer, but with the two of them, I am getting there much faster.
When she is in my arms, I feel something I have never before felt. It is nearly impossible to put into words. It is precious. It is priceless. When her lips touch mine, I melt into her kiss. She makes me feel beautiful, cherished and adored.
I sleep in the middle nearly every night. The first night with all of us, I slept in the middle. I felt such an overwhelming sense of love and security, and I was so blissfully happy, that I barely slept. They sometimes hold hands over my body, and I feel embraced by the love they share, and the love they have for me.
No two people have ever had such an emotional impact on me. I have never responded physically to anyone else the way I do the two of them. I do not doubt, no matter how challenging this sometimes can be, that they love me. I am loved beyond compare, and lucky beyond belief.