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Old 01-30-2011, 06:11 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 71
Default Thinking about breaking up with our third

Hi everyone,
I want to thank everyone again who responded to my post about being in a polyamorous relationship while having an illness.

Here is an update on my sitch. I am in a triad with my fiance and another woman. I am unhappy and stressed much of the time.

I straight up need my fiance some times I'm sick and it's not always predictable when I will need him. Even if we invited her over earlier in the day, I find it very distressing for him to be goofing off, baby talking, cavorting with our girlfriend in front of me when I feel really compelled to be quiet with just him, like we used to do before we had a girlfriend. I NEED this. When it was just him and me, he used to just come to me when I was feeling bad, without my asking. I have no idea how to deal with this if we've asked her over earlier in the day. I don't feel like I can ask her to leave.

Having a third person is all around stressful for my relationship with my fiance, and this makes me feel less stable and happy. My fiance gets unhappy about my unhappiness, I get less fun and more emotionally distant. He wants me to get happier, and I'd like to explore that (Who doesn't want to be happier?) but his very strong suggestion that I become happier feel like a burden. This in turn makes me more unhappy and stressed out.

To put my emotional responses in perspective: I am actually very sick, and so am much more susceptible to stress and feeling emotionally exhausted than the average person. Wish it weren't so.

Since we began dating our third, my fiance has started drinking to the point of getting drunk when no one else is drinking, and then arguing with me. He is tender and solicitous with her in a way he hasn't been with me in a while. He loves her, is sweet and goofy with her. Meanwhile his is often unhappy with me.

He would not quit smoking for me, but he set a date for her. He is a wonderful artist, and I have been encouraging him to start painting again for some time, but he only started making up some new canvases when she suggested it. I'm wondering where I am in all this.

I depend on him. But that's the way it is with most committed relationships- we all fall on difficult time at some point and depend on the one or one(s) we love. I do things for him too.

I care for this woman we're dating. I feel affectionate and protective of her, and I would miss her a lot, but I also feel like my primary relationship is in danger. So I'm thinking about breaking up.

I don't know if I have the capacity to deal with poly right now. So many things about it make me unhappy, and I don't know if I currently possess the emotional energy to deal with it.

Advice?

koifish
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