Very Shy Hello...
Hello, everyone. I am a folk artist/awesome-vegan-cook who lives in FL with my beautiful and loving partner, M. We have been together for just over 3.5 years and have only just recently (within the last 1.5 months) began to have a dialogue about nonmonogamy.
It's been a very difficult few weeks, and I am unfortunately in a situation where I don't have folks my age that I can go to with my concerns, aside from my partner. She is more than willing to listen to my concerns but I feel that for her to be the only person I speak with about it is asking too much.
I have never been in a poly relationship; in fact I have only been in one other relationship previously, another mono one, which was rife with abuse and dysfunction, cheating, sexual power-play (NON-consensual, most of the time), and caused real deep scars for me. I tend to think of polyamory as some folks think of communism- it sounds good on paper, and I agree that monogamy can be seen for many reasons as inherently oppressive. Initially in our relationship we both agreed to monogamy. For me it seemed the "safest" thing to do, due to my mental issues (PTSD, severe depression, etc.) and issues I have that revolve around intimacy (which have resulted in us being on "different pages" when it comes to how frequently we would like to have sex.) M agreed to it because, (as has now come to light) it was what *I* wanted, and also because she had been in a previous relationship in which there was an attempt to incorporate a third person, and that had resulted in some emotional issues with her x-wife, and had been kind of the "beginning of the end" of their relationship. Recently, however, she has come to me and made it clear that she can no longer feel comfortable with us being a "monogamous couple." She wants to remain partnered with me, but wants to be able to express love for other people, and does not want that love to be limited to emotions. She says that currently she has no plans to find another lover, but she wants the option to be there if she meets someone for whom she cares deeply.
I've always been so secretly envious of stories I hear about folks who are able to love more than one person, I have just felt that for some reason I didn't deserve that much love or that I would fail and be jealous (I seem to have trauma-responses to situations that trigger my jealousy). I have been able to identify a lot of my fears
I want to learn about nonmonogamy, so that if nothing else, I can let go of this woman who has been such a wonderful person in my life without hurting her or having to feel as though our departure is due to my own failures. I want to truly love her. I am very interested in hearing the stories of others who have successfully gone from mono to poly- that would give me some hope. I have been very sad, and felt so very alone... I have social axiety issues also... I just would like to reach out to some folks. I want to be a good person who lives her principles. I want to learn how to love in a way that isn't selfish and controlling.
So hello, how is everyone, and it's very nice to meet the folks here.
Last edited by greeneyes; 01-29-2011 at 10:40 PM.