Making full circles
Ok so just when I think I am making headway in accepting things and appreciating what this is about for red and monster and that this isn't about shutting me out. The deep dark side of me comes out and I loose it. For those of you who might be reading this and don't know the whole story, a few months ago my wife asked me if she could open our marriage to another man. At first it I was hurt and enraged as I suspect most people are when this happens, but as time went on I tried to accept what she told me she needed for her happiness. I don't fully understand why she needs this for her happiness but I want her to be happy so I do this for her. First I was insecure, blamed myself for not being enough for her, tried to be more, crawled up her ass for a while, was an absolute ass whole to the both of them, and just generally put them through Hell.
At one point I thought that if I had someone else this would all make sense. There was a girl who I talked to who cheated on her husband before and was willing to do so again for me. However, the one thing that makes complete and utter sense to me about poly is honesty. It is the one thing I grasp to and keeps me looking at this forum rather than running back into my shell of my former self and curling up in the fetal position and loosing it all over again. So that started the questioning of what it was that she really wanted and unable to get a straight answer from her more than one time, and realizing that I didn't like the guilt I felt when I thought about being with her, and the fact that red spending time with someone else and that if I were spending time with someone on top of that I was loosing too much time with her.
Circumstances keep changing too, thanks to recent events red is now monster's only, so I now I worry that monster will eventually not be satisfied with the time that I am willing to give up, and begin asking for more and eventually it will either cause a rift between them or between us. I know that their relationship is an unpredictable ever changing thing and that no one could ever be sure of what would or could happen but I want to be her primary and I don't want that to change. She reassures me that's not going to change but I worry. Its hard for me not to worry, and I am still struggling with all of the things that I would assume that anyone who gets introduced into this the same way I did, the time, the nights alone, the physical aspects.
I have tried so many times in so many ways to get it out of my head but I can't seem to do it. So I come back around to feeling hurt and wanting to be the only again, being angry at her for wanting this. Then its back to her happiness and making sure that I can stand by her in this. Round and round it goes, its hurting me and more importantly I am hurting her by not being stable. Its not fair to do this to her. Is there anything I can do to stop this cycle to finally just be happy. I know that there is a long road ahead I just need a little help I think.