Originally Posted by redpepper
Understood bella, thank you.
Originally Posted by yoxi
Just to add, I think compassion's not the same thing as tolerance (and it's not the same thing as pity or sentimentality or indifference either) - it's compassionate not to tolerate someone's behaviour if it's causing suffering for them and/or others. So being compassionate doesn't rule out giving someone a kick up the arse when they need it (without the need for hatred) - to my mind it's a very active and unsentimental quality, as it's a response to suffering.
I agree that compassion and tolerance are different. People that are in a cycle of abuse are generally in a pattern of rationalising the abuser's behaviour by studying why he/she is abusing. Is he/she tired ? stressed at work ? Had a bad day ? ....thinking that more understanding will equip one for the battle.
Initial conversations with someone who is being abused can sometimes work better if we take the abuser's feelings off the discussion table.
ie - we're not going to discuss his/her feelings and why this abuse may be happening, or what happened to him or her as a kid/is that contributing ?
In the mind
of someone being abused these discussions can sound like further rationalising, which is why I mentioned it's not the time to show compassion for him. It's potentially the case that in this young woman's head, indications of compassion for the abuser could get mixed up in further rationalising. It can be useful to seperate the discussion, remove the talk of his feelings and just talk about his behaviour for the time being. He can deal with his feelings.
The fact that the abused woman is caught up in studying his feelings can be part of the problem - Because at a basic level, she's not rejecting his behaviour outright.
This can be the issue with showing compassion for him, at this point in time.
He needs to get into therapy, he can get compassion from his sources/family etc.