The worst awesome concert I've ever attended
Last night Charlie came to town to go to a concert with RC and me. She bought the tickets as a Christmas present for all three of us. The band was great, the house was packed, the stars were in alignment for a good ol' fashioned rocking evening with my favorite people, but I was elsewhere.
Yesterday morning, RC glanced at my computer screen to check the time before work and saw an email (not the body, just the subject line) from a woman I've been corresponding with, but haven't met yet. We'll call her M. The title of the email was "What I want from you". This started a conversation we didn't have time for as we were both on our way to work. Her contention: (paraphrased) "You're speaking way too seriously to a woman you've never even met in person." My contention: "Maybe so. But what the fuck do I know. I've never done this before." Things got a little heated and we ended up parting ways with a cloud hanging over us.
Through the course of the day, I slid into an introspective funk. I began to question everything. My relationship with M. RC's relationship with Charlie. My ability to cope with their relationship. My seemingly eternal struggle with insecurity and jealousy. I spent the day wrestling with my internal monologue. The daemons were fucking with me pretty hard.
It should also be noted that after the accident RC and Charlie were in a couple weeks ago, I slipped into a similar funk that lasted more than a week. I subsequently entered counseling, but after only two sessions, I don't really think we've gotten to the meat of any specific issues. It's still a "getting to know you" type of thing at this point.
Back to the best worst concert ever...
Charlie arrived around 6pm and we sat around chit chatting for a while before going to the show. The entire conversation was laborious for me. I was constantly fighting off jealous thoughts and didn't really have much to contribute, which is a shame because RC had a very interesting day and I wish I could have engaged her a bit more about it. We then took a cab downtown and stopped by a bar next to the theater for a drink. At that point I was optimistic. I had started to feel a little better and was getting excited for some great music. We enetered the theater, saw some friends, said our hellos and went inside. At one point, RC looked over at me and said "You look happier." And I was, right up until I was reminded that I was fighting to be happy. Things started going downhill pretty quickly.
Long story short, I was depressed and jealous the rest of the night. RC was doing her very best to be understanding and still have a good time. Charlie was uninformed of my situation, but definitely not oblivious to the fact that I wasn't being myself. I stopped drinking (which was a good move) but that brought on a headache and made me want to leave. By this time RC was down on the floor jamming out to the band and Charlie was grooving away in the balcony with my sorry ass. I imagine he stayed when RC left as a gesture of solidarity with me. He's good that way.
The show ended and we went home. I immediately got ready for bed because I wasn't feeling well on many levels. RC hugged me and asked what she could do to help. I told her I wanted her to come to bed too. She said she was still keyed up from the show and wanted to hang out with Charlie for a while first. I got it, but wasn't happy about it. I felt shitty about putting a could over the evening already and didn't want to make things worse, so I said fine and went to sleep. I woke up at 4am to find myself alone. Then, awash in anger, self pity and depression, I huffed and puffed around the kitchen looking for something to eat (the hangover wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either). I think I kicked the dog's bone by accident and made enough noise to wake RC up. She and Charlie had fallen asleep upstairs talking. She came down, apologized and, eventually, we curled up in bed and slept a couple more hours before we both had to get up for work again.
So all day today I have been in the same haze I was in yesterday, only there is anger now as well. The two of them should be coming home soon and I look forward to talking some shit out, though I have no idea where to start.
Last edited by Catfish; 01-28-2011 at 09:44 PM.