The sex thing has been an issue before even without her. Someone's reply made me remember feeling slighted when we weren't having sex, but he masturbated. So, while it does compound the issue, it's not really something I haven't already dealt with where he is concerned. Aside from the sex issue, our marriage is about as strong as any, and having her involved has actually only made us stronger. She has done things that are similar to things I've done, and I've gotten a new appreciation for what some of those behaviors look like from the outside... makes me appreciate him more than I did, and that was a lot to begin with.
"He is very logical. I am very emotional."
That's us, except that on the rare issues that he is illogical about, he is VERY illogical about them. LOL. I say he's like a dragon - thick skinned unless you hit the exact right spot, and sometimes you don't expect it to be what it is.
As for what I get out of this...
NO relationship is without its issues. A third person is naturally going to create new issues, and yes, it's very new. Maybe it was too soon, only time will tell. However, many of the character flaws she has are ones we would not have seen without her moving in, especially since our relationship was long distance. They say you don't really know someone until you live with that person, and I think it's far easier to idealize someone who lives 1000 miles away. Moving out is only going to happen if this does not work. A) she can't afford to live on her own and b) we're not quitters. Asking her to move out would seem like a major step backwards, and not one any of us want to take.
We DO communicate. What they've asked is that I consider what I'm saying before I say it... in her case, one issue I had was not distinguishing the difference between a girlfriend and a girl friend. I vented to her about him in ways that were not necessarily helpful, especially when it was something that indirectly involved her. For example, how is it helpful to tell her that I feel like he wants her but not me? She just feels badly, she's not in his head, it makes her reluctant to have sex with him when I'm not around or they have alone time, and it can fuel resentment.
In his case, he has asked me to not tell him about things he's done that he can't undo or correct. I'm still coping with that one, but I firmly believe there are things I think that neither of them need to know about because they are not helpful comments. Doesn't mean I don't need to get them out... doesn't mean I don't need the chance to vent. It just means I have to select a different audience for that at times.
Most of you seemed to think I should tell him, and he finally asked because he saw it was making me miserable. It served to accomplish little to tell him. He felt badly, started to consider that he needs to worry about parity (so counting the times he has sex with her vs me, to make sure they're more equal), and that's not what I want. I don't want him to have sex with me for the sake of fairness. I just want him to want to have sex with me. If he doesn't, he doesn't. They happened to have alone time that led to sex... they did nothing wrong. He and I have alone time tonight, but he has MS and is in a lot of pain from a muscle spasm, so sex is not an option. It sucks, timing wise, but it is what it is.
As for what I get out of this... I love her. I know she loves me. She is flawed, but so am I. When I sleep (most nights) in between the two of them, I feel utterly surrounded by love. Yes, there is a lot of drama... but the first year my husband and I were together, we had that, too. The pain of NOT having her in our lives would be far, far worse than any of these issues we're working through. That said, if we ever reach a point where any one of us feels we can't do this anymore, it's over. My husband and I pick up the pieces, she finds a new place to live, and we all try to move on. I honestly don't think that is going to happen, but it's possible... certainly more likely if any one of us stops being willing to work on this, to work to make it happen.