View Single Post
  #3  
Old 01-28-2011, 07:30 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 182
Default

That's a very disturbing recount....and one that I'm very familiar with (ex-husband, mono relationship).

A book that helped me understand the dynamics was called "the verbally abusive relationship" by patricia evans.

It's a power dynamic of course...and the abuser steps up a notch once he/she belittles the other. Generally the person being abused tries to defend himself/herself on the specific topic or incident...

Abuser - "Wow, I can't believe you don't know anything about that issue - it's been in the paper for days, what's wrong with you?" (read: implication of inadequacy in the abused person)

Abused- "oh, well...yes I do know about that, I just didn't get to read the whole article, as the kids were sick, and then I got a call from work etc". (read: he/she doesn't know how busy I've been, so perhaps I'll explain and then he/she will understand and show compassion)

And none of this is at all about the article or the event in question, it's about the abuser getting a bit a power. But it is often the case that the abused just keeps trying to defend herself/himself regarding the issue at the table.

A first step startegy can't start with rationalising with what is clearly abusive. It needs to be rejected from the starting point;

Abuser - "Wow, I can't believe you don't know anything about that issue - it's been in the paper for days, what's wrong with you?" (read: implication of inadequacy in the abused person)

Abused "oh right. You can't believe that I haven't read about it"

Full stop. conversation ends. walk away.
And he/she has pushed the point back to the abused and what he/she can't believe. (read: it's not about if I've read the paper...it's about you, and what you're playing with believing).

I had professional help in recognising and dealing with the situation I was in. The experts I spoke to said to me it is very rare that someone who abuses like this will/can change. I firmly believe people can change, but it must be a hard path for people who have had that pattern in theirs lives for so long.

I'd recommend the book to her, and also suggest that it's not her job to make him a nice person. I think she's in a very dangerous position in honestly. It really messes with your head. The reason she is still under the thumb is because people like this are very manipulative. Oh, I so understand !
I'd be happy to assist in anyway if you think first hand accounts would help..
Reply With Quote