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Old 01-28-2011, 05:08 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,664
Default polyamory and abuse issues.

Recently I had a meet up for coffee with a person in the poly community. She is very involved in poly, young, has always had a poly dating life. I have known her and her one partner (she has several) for about two years. She meet with me because she has just ended her relationship with the man I know because he has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards her...

He has spent three years widdling down her sense of self worth by making fun of her, scolding her way of thinking about topics he doesn't have the same opinion about and really encouraging her and giving her love and affection when she agrees with him...If she did as she was told he would be giving and tender.. if she didn't he withheld approval and love. He has forced sex on her when HE is horny and she has witnessed him crawling into bed with women that have not invited him and encouraged them to have sex with them against there will.

She is still under his thumb and reaching out to her other lovers and friends to help her be strong enough to walk away and look after herself.

This resonates with my early years of dating and the activist, commune life I once had. I was furious, but compassionate for him. I supported her with as much information and personal stories as I could and left her with a hug and a promise to check in.

The benefits to poly she has said are that she has other men in her life that don't treat her this way. She is reminded that all men are not like this because of them... she is getting the support she needs as they gather around her and help out.

Has anyone ever experienced abuse of any kind in this way from a lover? Were you poly then? How did being poly help and what kind of advice can I give this woman?

thanks in advance for responses.
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