Ok so let me first say I've been lurking here for a few weeks now.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for nearly 6. We have had a Mono relationship up to now, and neither of us realized we might be Poly.
He and I have some interests that are quite different, as in he is somewhat of a comics, D&D, computer guy. And while I am into those things as well, I am not as deep in as he is. A little over a year ago in September 2009 he got a job at the same place as me (which involves the 'geek' sub-culture I mentioned) and started training. He met a girl (I'll call her K) in his training class who was much more interested in the 'geek' culture than I am. So they were work buddies. I knew then that she would have him in a hot second if he only said the word. But I also knew he was not a cheater. So I tamed my jealousy and began viewing her as just another friend of his.
Fast forward to October 2010. Our company has a yearly meeting and Expo in another state and my husband desperately wanted to go. I would gladly have joined him, but they were only allowing a certain number of workers to attend and so I bowed out to up his chances of being chosen. He was selected to go. So was K. I should also mention that my husband has dealt in recent years with a crippling depression that kept him isolated for nearly 3 years of his life, and he still has trouble doing some things alone. That being said, this trip was a big deal. He hadn't been out of town without me for at least 4 years. During this trip he found out that K was kind of 'rogue' Poly. She had a live-in boyfriend, and a Long Distance one. No big deal, her business, not ours. But I think this trip, and that info got his wheels really turning.
Again fast forward, to about a month ago. My husband, who is not generally a drinker, started drinking Redbull and Vodka nightly. This tipped a warning trigger in my head as my father is an alcoholic. So we talked, and he talked more and more openly when he was drinking. It came out that he felt disconnected from me when it came to sex. Again, backstory... I was raised Church of Christ, and although I consider myself a recovering christian, that does have an effect on a girls sexuality. Also, he was abused at a young age by his mothers boyfriend, which has obvious and not so obvious side effects itself. So what it came down to is that he was happy with me on various levels, but sex just wasn't one of them. Or rather, sex was incomplete. He says he thinks he needs to be with someone who is 'damaged' to get the connection he craves from sex. It isn't just the acts, we had been spicing up out acts for months. What he needs is something he can't get from me. Almost as if I am 'whole' while he is 'damaged.' If I can explain better, it's like having friends whose parents have been together for 25 years, while your parents had a nasty divorce and custody battle when you were 8. Your friend means well, and is there for you, but can't fully understand or commiserate. It doesn't change what you feel about them, but they simply can't offer what you need.
So that's where we were and we both knew the direction it was heading. He felt he needed to have sex with someone else. If only to answer the question of 'is this what I need?' So we discussed it. Many tearful nights, onto weeks of unrelenting discussion. What we came to is that he doesn't really want random sex. He wants another partner who gets him on that level, where I simply cannot. So we started to discuss Poly-amory. What was it? Were we interested? Could we both handle it? What were the alternatives? Well we decided we did want to be together for sure. That no matter what was offered, we still wanted each other. That was key.
So then we started talking about girls. What did he need? What could I handle? How is this to be done? Well I kept saying things like 'A girl like K.' Eventually this led to 'What about K?' He admitted, to me and himself, that she was really the one he was interested in. But I already knew that. So I gave him my acceptance to go for her, while staying with me. He spoke to her the very next day. She was willing, and had been interested for some time, but was staying back out of respect for me. But then we got thrown for a loop. Not only did K have her live in boyfriend, and the LDR, but her female 'roommate' is also her partner of over 10 years.
So this was another layer we weren't expecting. However K had been unhappy with the live in BF for sometime, and has since let him go. That leaves us with the immediate situation with 'C' the partner. 'C' is not as open to the situation as I have been. Which is strange since 'K' has had more than one additional partner over the years. For whatever reason 'C' has been most resistant, which makes it harder for me to stand up under my own decisions. But that, as they say, is whole other bucket of fish.
I tell this long story to get to my current issue. My husband and K are out tonight, with the idea that he will not be back until this same time tomorrow. So that is the cementing of what we are doing. He is planning to have sex with her tonight, although I have sneaking suspicions that they already have. My point in all of this is to ask for advice and draw from the experiences you all have had. What is normal to feel? And by normal I mean, what is something one in my position usually contends with emotionally?
I *think* that I am ok. That it really doesn't bother me to know that they are having sex. But that idea seems so foreign in my recovering christian head, that I'm not sure if it's real, or if I'm convincing myself. What are danger signs that I am not ok? Would it be normal to cry? To fill my time so I don't think about it at all? To dwell? What should I expect when he walks back in the door? Again, to cry? To feel relief? To be happy for him? To be jealous and/or angry? I feel very lost in this world, although I chose to enter it. I would just like some info from those of you who can give it. Make a new girl feel welcome.