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Old 01-27-2011, 10:22 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Was that a vent you just had? I am kind of waiting too. To see what you think about what the conversation you had.

You basically have told her that you are not wanting to be the soul supporter of her and her emotions and actions in her relationships. That is fine, but that means she will go elsewhere. Are you okay with that?

Just because she texts and talks to others more does not indicate a hierarchy. You as a couple decide on that... and I suggest that you move out of it frankly as hierarchies are useful to a point and then they just become disrespectful to the people involved. Everyone is worth being on a even ground I think

It sounds like you are thinking that she doesn't consider you in the position you hold in her life. So tell her that and tell her what position you want to have, including details about your needs and boundaries...

It sounds like this needs renegotiating and refocusing on... that is not something to be sarcastic about all the time, just as a vent maybe... if in fact it was venting sarcasm you were doing in your post? Eventually sarcasm leads to passive aggression in my experience, rather than being assertive about what you need. I say assertive rather than aggressive... assertion comes with a heavy dose of respect and consideration of words, and compassion for the listeners position. Aggression with attempt to bring the listener down in some way... if you want respect you have to give it also.

As to the money issue? I don't think its fair to bring that up when you are pissed off. If you don't like it, change it... it's not open season on everything you hate about your life with her when you have a fight I don't think... If you realize there is something that you would like to change when you are in the midst of a fight then put it aside and work on that later. It sounds like you have an imbalance of finances going and that you don't understand why. So that is to deal with separately. If you don't, and things carry on, and you know that you don't like the situation, then its on your head not hers I think. If you don't address issues that are a concern of yours and not hers, then that is your issue, not hers. Its not fair or relevant to other arguments to bring that up.

Stick to the topic at hand and work at one thing at a time... blowing up over everything at once is bordering on verbal abuse for some people. Not to say that you are, but to let oneself go in that way can be extremely destructive rather than instructive. Again, perhaps you were venting to us, and that is completely valid and welcomed... I do that with people too with a reminder that I just need to vent in order to gain some composure to be able to handle the situation. Often it becomes clear where to head after and I appreciate the ear.

I use to blow up and throw words at people, situations at people and damaged relationships and chances at working towards something better... it isn't worth it in the end and I hurt people I love. Now I make every attempt to get a grip on my feelings before that... It might take some therapy to be able to do that... or a course in communication. There is a thread on that here in the stickies... I also suggest looking into non violent or compassionate communication techniques. They have changed my communication life ten fold.
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