Warning! your comment really hit a nerve with me. So I warn you of the long post!
I know this is not really related to the original reason for my post -hopefully the Admins won't smite me- but how does that work for you, having a husband with a slightly different slant on poly? I ask because I am in a similar situation. Jazz, my man, has a very BDSM oriented mindset towards relationships. I have grown into more of -I'm not sure of the real term- a free love mentality. We met when I was really young, 19. The thought of being dominated was very exciting to me. He always told me he needed a submissive. I felt in my heart that I could not always be submissive, but I was young and unable to communicate that because I was afraid of loosing him. Well, needless to say all of this left unsaid created some friction, mostly just a disconnect between the two of us. Instead of legitimizing his feeling of loss when I no longer felt, or acted submissive all the time, I made him feel judged. I don't think I completely appreciated his need for a sub. I think I projected myself on to him, and wondered why he couldn't be more flexible and exploratory.
Now years have passed and I only now understand why we have been feeling so disconnected for the past couple of years. We've been loving to one another but the intense spark we once had was fading -and only recently has been coming back-I understand now that I was immature when we first met, unsure of who I really was. Now I understand who I am, and I am comfortable with it. I enjoy the submissive role. I also enjoy the dominant role. I enjoy a lot of things! I am an exploring kind of person, attracted to new experiences. Joe is the same way, except that he really has this expressed need to be a Dom, and I don't completely fill his need. I've known this for a while, and instead of legitimizing this, I tried to make him feel bad. I miss the D/s connection that we had, and I worry that it is perilously damaged due to my being judgmental for so long. The good thing is that through this all he has been patient, and tried to make me happy by not exploring his D/s needs. Needless to say, this has not made either of us being happy.
We've talked about all of this recently, and he still can't believe that I won't jugde him anymore. He is still hesitant to talk to me. I think I have traumatized him a little bit!
Long story short, is we have different needs, which make us have different ideas about poly. We are now supportive of each others conceptions, though I worry that we will never find anyone who can fit with us, who can meet both of our needs. One of our few boundaries is that we be in a relationship together. We would never want me to be in a relationship that he wasn't involved in, and vice versa.
So, here is my question-and I completely understand if you did not make it this far-Have you had any difficulty related to your different viewpoints on relationships?