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Old 01-26-2011, 05:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This statement is pretty much correct except that I am OK with Redpepper actually developing relationships with other women that include sex...not that I am OK with her having sex with any woman.
Yes, yes, understood.


Me being ok with anything is ultimately irrelevant as she is an individual with free will.

I know it's hard to understand how I can handle my partner having sex with one gender and not another. Even this is a huge thing for me. I almost left my ex wife over her very brief and unconsecrated exploration with another woman.
It is very hard for me to understand, and probably for RP. Lesbians come in so many flavors! Some are more masculine than many men. Some dress and wear their hair in a mannish style, have "male" mannerisms, etc. Some even "pack" (wear a certain toy in their pants that looks like a flaccid penis) daily, many use strap-ons for sex, etc. And even in their heads, they may not be feminine, and talk and act in a masculine fashion...

Otoh, some men are more effeminate, sensitive, are soft and vulnerable, nurturing, perhaps like to cross dress in the bedroom or wear women's panties daily under their male drag, and have other traditional feminine qualities, watch and cry at chick flicks, knit, sew, cook, love kids, enjoy housework and shopping, etc.

There's no easy explanation other than it is a combination of perceiving female energy and intimacy as something much different than that of another male as well as an admitted turn off factor at the thought of RP with additional men. Whether this perception is shared by anyone else or thought to be incorrect is irrelevant to my reality. It is this perception that enables me to embrace these relationships and be healthy in them. They do affect is not as though they just don't count or matter. I work at them.
Good. Glad you're working on it. Maybe you'll see things less black and white someday. This would be respectful to RP, I think.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I... I have to chose Leo and others over him where men are concerned...or chose him.

...To me it is an ultimatum, but, what can I say, to him it isn't.

I never said any of this is perfect... hence the reason we are always in a state of negotiating boundaries and we both compromise. Most of the time I compromise and am faced with a wall, but ask Mono and he would say the same thing.

Women are different. I am to understand that if I were to find a woman I am attracted to enough to be sexual with then that would be an option where he is concerned as it is different for him and he wouldn't be threatened....
Yes and no to the hampering. It is hampering, because I feel cut off from the depth I could have, it makes me feel sad and unwilling to continue sometimes because it is painful.
I would imagine it would feel painful!

I continue because I don't want to hurt Leo and because it sounds petty and because I am willing to see what happens with our friendship as a result. If Leo were to ever find someone to be sexual with in terms of a secondary I would have to end our friendship for a time as I think I would be near to devastated. If he went swinging again I would be too...
Complicated! He's a bf, you love each other in a way, Mono is OK with the love, but not the sex.

As to being a trophy? This kind of answers the question you asked about our relationship being hampered... Again, yes and no.

Yes, its all in line with my interest in burlesque and being a mistress.
You mean Mistress, as in Domme, not mistress as in a mere lover/affair.

I seem to command a presence with him and others that seems to make people sit up and pay attention. I work hard at keeping that at bay most of the time and do my best to merge into the back ground... as a method to conserve energy and allow space to just witness others. I enjoy an outlet for the energy though in that I get to be a mistress. I decide what we do, where we eat, I have doors held open for me, and command that he pays attention to me when we are together... He fulfills that for me.
OK. That helps explain why you bother to continue with this seemingly frustrating relationship.


I assure you I am not dehumanized. I really like teasing an audience of some kind. To me there is some classiness to that, some mystery, and intrigue. I don't feel the need to have sex with people just because I have teased them. There is something to be said for teasing and leaving men hanging...
Haha, I do that online occasionally, but generally I follow thru to orgasms for both of us. For me, that's much more fun.

They all know that I am teasing and can chose to be involved in that or not. He seems to like it. I have no doubt it is frustrating for him, but he has a wife to go home to and is quite firm that we don't need to have sex... apparently his sex life with her is incredible right now as a result of me being in his life. I am content with that...
Well, my gf hasn't had sex yet with her bf, and he and she both get "fluffed" by their chats and dates with each other, and then take it out on their primaries.... it's kinda weird to me but I guess that's part of being poly.

I know it might seem bizarre. It is to me too...

I likely will get my heart trampled on with this... I am really taking a huge risk in every direction.
Best wishes!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags, F, 60, poly-dating, loving and living with
miss pixi, F, 38
also seeing
Punk, 41, M (dating since Oct 2015)
and a few more casual relationships
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