A lot of things
Well, one thing. But it's affecting a lot of things.
Turns out I'm not so okay with Mr. A leaving. Oh right. I didn't mention. He got the job that's two hours away. It is a great career move for him.
It's just so much, so fast. Two weeks ago I thought we'd have a few more months together. Then I found out he'd basically lost his job here, he was leaving for training for twice as long as I'd originally thought, and hey, he had a good chance at a job at the new school. All in the same night. Since then I haven't seen him, he's gotten a new job, is looking for apartments, and is so busy that we are talking less than half an hour a day on average. This is from 3-4 nights a week spent with him.
But I've been trying to play the good, supportive girlfriend. Relationships in his past have ended over his career. He will always put that first, I believe. I didn't want to lose him because I couldn't deal with it. I didn't feel it was okay to be upset, angry, hurt.
So things came to a head last night. I've been bottling up and stuffing things down. You'd never know that if you talked to Indigo though. All of this extra tension inside me has affected our relationship. I'm snappy and angry and not being a good, supportive wife. He's also started a new job and is understandably tired and a bit on edge. I haven't been there for him because I've been sparing Mr. A my feelings.
Not cool. Not fair in the slightest.
Indigo told me to talk to Mr. A. I did. It didn't start out well. I was angry at the situation and Mr. A's apparent lack of concern for the change in our relationship. I hung up on him. Very mature. But then we talked it out over msn. I asked him to tell me how he feels, because I felt like I'm the only one feeling anything. He did. I explained how quickly things had changed from my perspective and I think that really hit home for him. He doesn't always share possibilities with me, then they become real and I'm left wondering where they came from. I don't deal well with unknowns, and that's what everything is right now. He agreed to try and nail some things down for me, such as when he's coming back. He told me it was okay to be upset. In fact it's normal to be. He's not more upset because this is the way things have always gone, and what he expects.
I really needed to hear that it was okay to feel how I did. I think that helped more than anything. A close second was him comparing us to the LDR his parents got through when they were dating. Back in the days before technology could help.
For my part, I'm not going to keep things in for his sake. It doesn't work, and just hurts everyone involved.
It is very strange to hold happiness for his new job and sorrow in my heart at the same time. One doesn't diminish the other. I wonder if this is how some feel with poly. They are happy for their love to be their true self, but mourn the relationship that was. Certainly, the future I've been working toward is much changed.
So I've taken a sick day today. I'm much in need of regrouping. I will be better in all areas of my life for the time I take today.
Indigo, thank you for kicking my ass in the right direction. I love you very much and I'm sorry for being an intolerable bitch when you needed me.
Mr. A, you'll know how I feel, all of it from now on. Remember that the joy is just as genuine in the sorrow.