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Old 01-26-2011, 05:25 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Since I am genderqueer and pansexual (and maybe for other reasons having to do with patriarchal societies and customs making men the owner of women), I truly don't get where a male partner is OK with his female partner having female lovers, but not male ones.
I don't get it either. Probably for the same reasons... I get that women and men have different energy, but that is where my understanding ends. I was with women only for years... proves to me that they mean more to me than curiosity, but still it is seen that it is in some way different, that my love would be different.
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I'm gathering that Mono doesn't want you to have sex with Leo for these reasons. He feels more threatened by you having another male lover, than a female one. Am I correct in perceiving that he'd be OK with you having sex with another woman (not Derby, but yet another woman), but not OK with you having sex with another man (besides your husband)? Is this why you haven't had sex with Leo?
That's right, he doesn't want me to have sex with Leo because he would be turned off so much that he would not ever be able to have sex with me again. I would of crossed a line that for him is so important he would have to end that part of my relationship, and just be friends... in essence, there would be a 180 turn. Its black and white for him. I have to chose Leo and others over him where men are concerned...or chose him.

It is not an ultimatum as I am free to decide when the time comes, and he will just carry on and be fine. To me it is an ultimatum, but, what can I say, to him it isn't.

I never said any of this is perfect... hence the reason we are always in a state of negotiating boundaries and we both compromise. Most of the time I compromise and am faced with a wall, but ask Mono and he would say the same thing.

Women are different. I am to understand that if I were to find a woman I am attracted to enough to be sexual with then that would be an option where he is concerned as it is different for him and he wouldn't be threatened. I think he would struggle if I went quickly into a sexual relationship however. As people usually do when a relationship is approached with haste into the bedroom.
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Is this hampering your relationship with Leo?
Yes and no to the hampering. It is hampering, because I feel cut off from the depth I could have, it makes me feel sad and unwilling to continue sometimes because it is painful. I continue because I don't want to hurt Leo and because it sounds petty and because I am willing to see what happens with our friendship as a result. If Leo were to ever find someone to be sexual with in terms of a secondary I would have to end our friendship for a time as I think I would be near to devastated. If he went swinging again I would be too...

On the same token, Leo lives his life differently to me. He enjoys casual sex and we have fought/debated often about our differing values. I am not sure I could be with a boyfriend sexually who requires casual sex. I would feel that his flower is everyone's... and not special...
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Because you say you are content with being his "trophy:" a good looking, well dressed woman he can show off to his friends. This sounds kinda off to me... Why is it OK with you, to be a trophy, admired just for your physical presence? It sounds a bit dehumanizing to me. Or, otoh, is it in line with your interest in burlesque performance, teasing others with your sexuality, since you aren't "allowed" to actually share it?
As to being a trophy? This kind of answers the question you asked about our relationship being hampered... Again, yes and no.

Yes, its all in line with my interest in burlesque and being a mistress. I seem to command a presence with him and others that seems to make people sit up and pay attention. I work hard at keeping that at bay most of the time and do my best to merge into the back ground... as a method to conserve energy and allow space to just witness others. I enjoy an outlet for the energy though in that I get to be a mistress. I decide what we do, where we eat, I have doors held open for me, and command that he pays attention to me when we are together... He fulfils that for me.

He is a Leo after all... Leo men often like women who are confident, independent and attractive/sexy in some way. he likes to be around them. He enjoys that about me as much as he enjoys my vulnerabilities. He is very protective of me and my emotional state... he knows that I am easily bruised and likes to take care that people don't take advantage of me...

I feel like a 50's hollywood star when I am with him. We both like old cars and old movies, perhaps that is why. I think I am like an admired confident starlet with a tender heart behind the scenes. Except when we camp that is... then we are dirty pigs together... all of us.

A whole other dynamic comes out when we camp where I feel totally vulnerable and myself in another way. I don't relate to him as much when we camp and pay more attention to my family. He to his.

I assure you I am not dehumanized. I really like teasing an audience of some kind. To me there is some classiness to that, some mystery, and intrigue. I don't feel the need to have sex with people just because I have teased them. There is something to be said for teasing and leaving men hanging...

They all know that I am teasing and can chose to be involved in that or not. He seems to like it. I have no doubt it is frustrating for him, but he has a wife to go home to and is quite firm that we don't need to have sex... apparently his sex life with her is incredible right now as a result of me being in his life. I am content with that... I love seeing him happy and having compersion for them both. I hear that he is out of his depression, taking less meds and is doing things he hasn't done in years... (building a fence). There is lots of positives to all this regardless of there being no actual sex... I am happy with that for the time.

I know it might seem bizarre. It is to me too. I often don't get what the hell is going on... which is why I write here. I need some sense of "normal" at this point and am working towards that... just as I have in every relationship dynamic I have been in.

Poly is fucked a lot of the time when I come across more ways to have relationships that are by my rules/boundaries and others involved. We aren't doing this mainstream poly style, but *meh* so what. As long as there is something gained, I will continue.

I likely will get my heart trampled on with this... I am really taking a huge risk in every direction.
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-26-2011 at 05:32 AM.
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