We went to the marriage counselor today.
I found him very fair and understanding. When Seamus was brought up, he asked for details without being judgmental, and he mentioned that he thought open relationships could work wonderfully provided the relationship was solid and worked well prior to being opened up, which he felt wasn't really the case for us (on which I would agree in hindsight).
We have had problems for a long time, and up until recently I wanted to fight hard no matter what and just triumph against all, etc. I refused to even consider the possibility of breaking up.
Recently, when I started considering it, it suddenly seemed like the only way to go, and the best thing for everyone involved.
This relationship wasn't going anywhere, it seemed to me, on several levels. We didn't seem to make much improvement from the very start in dealing with one another, as much as we knew each other well and cared for each other very much. On top of that, I ended up feeling like it was putting my life on hold, again and again. I first stopped my studies and dropped out of school to go to Canada and live with Ragabash. My decision, of course, but I'm adding it because it was the first thing in the list.
Then started a long series of "things will get better when" or "things will improve after". I felt stuck a lot, stuck geographically, stuck career-wise, stuck in the relationship even, as we didn't really seem to get closer, have more projects together, spend quality time, go on vacation, etc.
Once again, I'm just stating these things as fact, I don't mean that Raga was responsible for them any more than I was, it's just how things happened.
I started feeling like by living this relationship I was losing my own life, my own plans, my own projects. I wanted to build my own life. I wanted to get a job and work. I wanted to study. I wanted to feel like I was going somewhere more concrete, more definite.
At the same time, Raga has struggled with depression for a while, and he also needs to work on himself for that. Just like I needed to start doing things instead of waiting for them to happen, so does he. And he has started to feel much better, thankfully.
I know a lot of people would think that I left him at the worst possible time, when he was depressed. He had just started therapy and taking antidepressants and they probably weren't working yet. But the second I thought we should separate, I felt like I had to talk to him about it. I didn't want to delay it. I didn't want it to end up being "yes, I have wanted to leave you for X amount of time, but I couldn't because of your depression". I felt it would be worse for him to realise the last few weeks or months or whatever had been lies, that he would feel guilty for "causing" me to stay in the relationship due to his depression, and that in the end it would just be worse.
Now, on the other hand, I feel like he's best equipped to heal and rebuild a life for himself, because he's seeing a therapist, because he's got support, and because, I guess, in a way because he's hit rock bottom and can only go up now. And I know it's going to be very hard for him but I really hope he can get over it and be happy.
As for polyamory, I'm not sure it was for him to begin with. Me, it's part of who I am, I am still polyamorous and this separation doesn't change that at all. Raga, on the other hand, didn't initiate anything, he only went along with me, and while he found he could go either way, I think ultimately he'd be happier and more comfortable with a monogamous relationship.
Of course, that's for him to know and decide.
I hope to remain friends, but everyone I talked to (up to and including the marriage counselor) thinks we should breaks things off for now and then, later on, once all the healing and rebuilding is over, get back in touch and build a friendship.
I will miss Raga in the meantime, or course, but I think it's for the best. Plus it's harder for him, obviously, so I don't think I am really in a position to complain about things like that.
I'm planning on staying on the forums, even though my relationship is now de facto monogamous, as neither Seamus nor I have someone else at this point. I see polyamory as a relationship orientation, too, after all.