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Old 01-25-2011, 03:16 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Human and welcome !

And what a great post for a first entry ! Some great provocative thoughts and questions in there. Enough for an interesting thread outside the boundaries of "Intros". We'll see what our great mods choose to do with this. Hopefully move it ? (hint hint)

Originally Posted by sohuman View Post
Hey - my husband of 10 years and I are new. I actually hate the internet for anything personal but have never laid eyes or ears, let alone any other body part, on an actual poly person. If you are a real actual poly person reading this, hi.
Actually, I suspect you have But because it's been kind of outside your sights you didn't notice it. Now, having discovered the possibilities, things may well change.

So we each have a question (and our questions may tell you more about us than any longwinded explanation of how we got here).

Originally Posted by sohuman View Post
My question: how do "we" identify each other in the wild? Do we even try? Given how pervasive mono is, isn't it more efficient to attempt to convert prospective lovers, than to try to identify and choose from among the perhaps five other poly people in one's tri-state area?
Granted, there are not a large number of polys in practice yet (proportionally) so it may be that you pick up a sense of 'potential' more from people's more open attitude. Especially watching interactions between couples or more-ples (my own word). A certain air of freedom, confidence, etc in how they interact with each other and others in the picture.
Conversion I personally wouldn't recommend. Not only is it usually futile, it's also not something I believe to be 'right'. Education ? Yes. Open dialog ? Yes. Trying to cram my ideas down someone else's throat. Not happening.

Originally Posted by sohuman View Post
He wants to know: how do poly people become poly in the first place? Did most of you start out mono and have that not work, did you know it from the start of your sexual life (like one would know one was gay), or did more of you just fall in with a poly crowd?
If I had to guess (it that's all it would be), I'd say that 10% came to poly via intellectual pursuit, observing & analyzing human nature, studying it, asking the hard questions about why there are so many problems and what might be a better way.
The other 90% probably 'fell' into it almost by accident. And in that 90% I think there are a large percentage that feel inside like they have 'come home'. Had they maybe had the time to study & philosophize about it they would have come there anyway.

As for BEING (starting out) mono and having it 'not work', I think it's more likely that most everyone can SEE from evidence around them even without experience that mono doesn't work (percentage-wise). Somebody will bash me for that one For those, I'd suggest maybe having a read of "Sex at Dawn" which I think is a good primer for understanding the biological history of human sexuality and sexual sociology of our species. The stats are in. Polyamourous cultures have generally been happier societies, more productive etc. Monogamy is truly not natural, a patriarchal invention primarily created by power hungry individuals (read religion) with a need for control.

There IS a better way. And it's NOT new !

Originally Posted by sohuman View Post
I just asserted and he agreed that anyone who comes to consensual conscious monogamy or consensual conscious polyamory through serious and humanistic contemplation of the dynamics of love, harm, interpersonal ethics, and commitment is more emotionally mature than someone who just fell into anything for any reason other than thinking it through for him or herself.
Well, it might be that your choice of wording here might prove a bit provocative (emotionally mature), but I do agree you are kind of heading in the right direction. I might choose something along the line of 'more contemplative'. There are people who's natures (and socio background) lean them more towards thinking and studying the human condition. For those I think polyamory is an inevitable discovery. Emotional maturity will get put to the test from that point forward.

Originally Posted by sohuman View Post
We do also agree that the relative scarcity of people who even try to think big issues through - rather than spouting something they heard somewhere that sounded good to them - is just depressing.
Ummmmmm - seems that way eh ?

Originally Posted by sohuman View Post
He is worried that there are just as many poly a-holes as there are regular a-holes out there. I think/hope the ratio might be a bit different.
I think, for NOW, I lean towards your view. Ratio overall is likely somewhat better. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that will change over time. So history has spoken. Get in while the getting's good but be prepared for what may follow.

Again, welcome. Look forward to hearing your thoughts and questions.
It's a very nice place here with some great people. But like you, we're all still learning and feeling our way. Thousands of years of programming aren't overcome in a week - or a generation.

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