Welcome to the Forum.
I'm glad to see you sticking around and trying to find your way in all this. Regardless of who you are or where you came from, it still take a special kind of person to be willing to try this kind of life.
Keep talking, keep asking questions...you're on the way even if you don't know it yet.
For me, I get a lot of processing done by asking questions. Ask the hard questions, even when there's no answers. Ask them of yourself, be totally honest with yourself, and dig deep.
Another thing I'd suggest to you, is that instead of trying to read the portents of the future to figure out how things will turn out, make the decision of how you want it to turn out. Make that decision into a vision of what you want to see happen, and then figure out how to get there. Charting a course is pretty difficult without knowing the destination.