Helping family to accept our relationship
My boys and I are in a closed relationship, with Lobster and I being married and Monster and I "dating". (Dating doesn't seem to be the right fit but gonna go with it for now..) Right now we are beginning to tell our friends and family about us and our choices. Now we know that for some people this is hard to understand and we know that some will never understand. We not only expect that from some but can also respect that.
I started in telling people, beginning of course with those who I knew would be supportive even if they didn't completely understand it. My best friend accepted and is even happy for us, after having first made sure that Lobster was doing well. Other close friends had the same reaction, if I'm happy, Lobster is good, and Monster treats us all well, more power to us! My dad having been involved in poly/swinging himself, gave a little advice but sat back with a smile, asking when he would meet Monster. Tonight I moved on to my aunt who was more of a mother to me then my own. She I knew would support me but not understand it, it was her husband that I worried about. He's obviously not happy but I explained that it was a conscious decision that Lobster and I made and he could accept that we are adults or he could not. If he didn't, he needed to understand that this would limit his involvement in our family. It's not like we will ever live near enough for him to have to deal with it daily, I just wanted him to get to know Monster and not be an ass. He's agreed and I know that if nothing else, he will stick to that because he knows I will not hesitate to remove his ability to hurt us. I don't expect to come into any issues with the remaining people in my life I care about.
Lobster's family, will not know any time soon, and ideally never. I say that not because we are embarrassed but because of the pain that they will cause everyone. They will not stop at questioning him or I, but will attack attack attack. Then when they do not get what they want from us, they will move on to Monster and then to our children. Subjecting the kids to the hateful and vengeful things that will come from his family is not something that we want. I know the time will come when this life will be called into question by someone in their lives, but it doesn't need to come from somewhere so close and with as much spite. We plan to protect them from this for as long as possible even if it means "hiding". I can't do something knowing that it would hurt my children, and allowing their grandparents this knowledge would do just that.
Monster's family is not handling it well at all. For reasons that I will leave for him to explain if he would like to, things are just ending poorly. So far, only one person has come to his side and supported him in this decision. I am at a loss as to how to help because...well I guess I didn't think that it would go the way it has. So many emotions are running through me because I at times feel responsible having brought this idea to him. At the same time, I think that if they truly cared, they would see his happiness and at least accept that. The anger and defensiveness is overwhelming sometimes..GRR! I could go on about that but it's not really the point I'm getting at.
How do we help those people close to us come to terms with this? We aren't asking them to understand and welcome it with open arms, rather accept that we are adults who have made a choice and are happier for it. We aren't asking them to agree with the choice that we have made just respect our family for being just that. This is our family, not theirs. Understanding and Love is something that we practice, not just preach to our children.
“Love is a force that connects us to every strand of the universe, an unconditional state that characterizes human nature, a form of knowledge that is always there for us if only we can open ourselves to it”