I just re-read a part of your post where you stated "he needs to live his life and I will need to find a way to adapt".
You almost sound as though you don't have a choice. You always have a choice. I know there are some things I cannot adapt to..they are definitely defined as things I won't "adapt" too.
I love your reference to "wanting to learn something". Right now the only thing I am trying to learn is how to show Redpepper just how much I love her and I care about her family.
Yesterday I picked her up for our Tuesday night. Me and her husband got to visit (which is so important). We are becoming very good friends and I am in complete awe at just how much he loves Redpepper. Tonight I will watch their child so they can go to dinner..my suggestion. I want to bring them as close as possible as well as share in her love.
Last weekend, I spent time doing yard work with her family including her brother and parents. A lot of people in my life, and hers, know about our relationship (not her parents or brother yet, I am a close personal friend to them for now).
The point I am trying to make is the importance of everyone knowing each other, respecting each other and being committed to each others happiness. I am her secondary, he is her primary, and she has a few other intimate friends who I also met. This is how I envision polyamory to be and the beauty I find in it.
There is a broad definition of polyamory and expectations. Mine is only one and others will differ. If this (specifically referring to my relationship and the role polyamory plays) was purely an excuse to have sex with who ever you want I would definitely not be in this. I am not a swinger or a person who enjoys casual play. I thought I could be, gave it a try, and was sorely disappointed LOL!
I am a person who loves in a specific way. Redpepper is a person who loves in a specific way. We are deeply in love, she is my best friend, and we are all learning so much together. We all feel very fortunate in this..but it is not easy and it requires complete communication, honesty and love for each other way beyond the love associated with sex.
You always have a choice.