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Old 09-04-2009, 12:56 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Not to sound confrontational, but I'd love to know more of your story my friend. I have a child so I know lots about them. It's easy not to get too existential when you watch them grow. They are not some mythical animal running through feilds with thier hands in the air giggling eternally. They are real human beings with all the emotions biologically given to them. Thier environment and experiences do shape how they deal with those emotions but they would have them regardless. They are people.
This. OneSoul, I have a child and have worked with young children half of my life, and have a degree in Developmental psych. While I agree with you that most children DO have love, joy, and peace within them that is not ALL they have. They have anger, fear, frustration, sadness. Or at least the CAPACITY for all these things-both good and bad. A baby is born pure id. S/he has a need (food, to be cleaned, comfort, pain) and will cry until that need is met with no concern for the wants or needs or emotions of the caretakers. As a toddler a child is the center of his/her own universe. Most smile often-but they smile because they are pleased, not necessarily because they LOVE. They care that others are pleased with them because it means they get attention and positive feedback, not because they LOVE this person pleased with them. We see a child smiling and associate that with love and happiness because we know that is what WE feel when WE smile. Children occasionally smile for no other reason than to test facial muscles, no different than making sounds to practice vocalization.

It is us, as adults, who are responsible to take the CAPACITY for love and joy and peace and to bring it out in the child-and to subsequently do our best to counter the CAPACITY for anger and sadness and fear. Relationships are the same way. We all come into them with our own natural and environmentally programmed emotions-both positive and negative. It is through communication, compassion, compromise, and commitment to eachother within those relationships that we grow together to form positive connections rather than negative.

"What I am trying to get to is... When you are FREE to BE.. YOU.. without having to BEND to or CHANGE to or CATER to.. Someone elses boundaries or expecataions.. or behaviors.. Non judgementally completely accepting & accepted."

This (couldn't get the quotes to work) idea is beautiful in theory. But IMO this is not likely to lead to a fulfilling, lifelong, loving relationship. As humans with all our own delicate emotions and our own boundaries and our own expectations (and we ALL have them to some level), we naturally have to bend to those of our loves, just as they have to bend to ours. I'm not talking about changing who you are fundamentally or immersing yourself so far in another you are lost. I'm talking the day-to-day compromises. I'm talking being there for a love when they are hurt, angry, insecure...just as you would hope they would be there for you. Love is not all about butterflies, flowers, candy hearts, and smiles. It is about taking the good with the bad and still loving through it all.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.
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