I think you're expectations of yourself are a little steep. There is often a big gap between our choices and our emotions. Choosing something is just part of any decision. Living that decision and working through your emotional responses is a whole different thing.
You have had some really good suggestions just try and relax into them. Acceptance is an adjustment that takes time.
PS. Is it you or your metamour who is defensive?
PPS. @ lovingimlovinger (sorry to be picky), but it isn't just your metamour who maybe feels that she's the "other woman", most of society would feel that way.
Last edited by sage; 01-24-2011 at 06:17 AM.