Hi! My process 2 polyamory & future
My personal process to polyamory:
A few years ago I was not a mature person. I thought that I was already a mature person through my experiences with abuse growing up. I was probably more mature than some others in my age group. The truth is that at times I could be selfish, controlling, lazy, judgmental, assuming, self deprecating, and even sneaky. (It makes me really sad to say that, but also very happy with the changes I have made in myself since then.)
Now, you may think this would be detrimental and almost impossible to have a relationship with those characteristics. It was. However, I was also a young, ingenious, & pretty sexy girl so I had no problems getting away with it! I dated my highschool sweetheart Bruce for 6 years. My friend and confidant who I also lived vicariously through (as she was lesbian and deviant) died in a car accident. My relationship with Bruce ended around the same time I met Ryan. Ryan and I began dating. Instead of changing how I approached the relationship, I just transferred all my actions and feelings from Bruce over to my relationship with Ryan. “That’s stupid!” well yeah, but I was kinda naïve back then too. After a few trips back and forth from his job in Canada to our residence in Georgia USA together, I stayed in Georgia to work and he went to Canada for his work. Soon thereafter, I met Zach our housemate. I probably would have continued on a pattern of cheating and serial monogamy my whole life because I did not consider other options such as the basics of communicating much less polyamory for that matter. I thought that once you met someone else, well that was it, time to move out and on to the next relationship.
From the stress of my job and my romantic situations I didn’t know what to do. I finally opened up about my feelings to them. Instead of leaving me, both Ryan and Zach challenged me to explain myself, and encouraged me to examine myself to find out why I felt that I loved them both. After reading more on the internet, it was as though a whole barricade of hidden feelings and desires became apparent to me. It also became apparent to me that I had been repressing my natural desires as “fantasy, non attainable, non realistic, or strange” based on the societal norms I had been taught by my mother. It was at this point in my life that I began to research the reasons behind my rebellion against my parents as a teenager and what I actually wanted for my life. I felt enabled, confused, and scared. I was confused because I was not sure what to do with this new knowledge. I was scared because I assumed that other people could not nor would not ever be understanding. Fortunately for me I picked some very patient, intelligent, & compassionate men as companions. I learned that words such as “ever, never, always, only, and me me me” were irrational and the opposite of love and understanding. Ryan has qualities in patience and rational communication whereas Zach was energetic and attentive. We developed a V relationship as both of them were heterosexual. Although they did not become best friends, we had some great times. I would like to point out that when you are in a monogamous relationship it is easy for you to ignore your own faults and just continue to point at the splinter in your partners eye. However it is not so easy to do when both people you are involved with say
“Yes Agnes, you are annoying sometimes and no you can’t deny it, we both live with you” ...“and we still love you” ... “even when she’s annoying?” elbow nudge “yes”.
Obviously as this was new to all three of us, there were problems. Eventually it became apparent that Zach would have preferred a more traditional marriage for personal reasons and had decided he was not happy with the situation. The relationship between he and I tapered off naturally as he moved into his college dorm. And that was okay, because we knew it would and we let it decline because it was painful to continue. I know that we will always remain friends.
Ryan and I tried our hand at swinging which was okay, but we have not found the respect that we would like.
What we want for our future: Ryan and I are now at a secure point in our relationship and we are looking to build a polyamorist family with others. We are open to several options such as joining with a single person, couple, or triad. We want to make many friends that are likeminded, but we have also decided to wait until we meet the right person or couple to begin an intimate relationship. Resources wise, we can afford it. Ryan has a good job in Canada as a welder on pipelines and usually works 2-3 months out of the year. I teach occasional violin lessons, but am not making near the $ he is. We discussed this and I am prepared to get a part time/or full time job if need be. On an emotional level, we have acquired the communicative skills, open mindedness, and other strategies that are conducive to creating a successful relationship. We are planning to attend some conferences/workshops to get more input and other ideas (I’m especially excited about an upcoming event in Atlanta). Thanks for reading about my experience & I would love to be friends with you! Feel free to ask any questions