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Old 01-23-2011, 07:34 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Sindris View Post
..... he's provided me with everything I could hope for in a partner, sans the security mono relationships provide- to which I can't fault him.
Poly people actually provide more stability than mono ones because they don't leave what I mean by that is that they aren't going to dump you for another person, they might add another person, and things will adjust, but they usually don't get rid of people in their lives...

Most poly people I have come across have loved people beyond the relationships they have had with them. Mono relationships, when they end, quite often mean that people are separated and don't stay in contact. In poly ones either don't end or just become something else. Its a different way of doing/loving.

The idea of poly is that we are all connected and all part of a larger community or family of people that interconnect... we are connected beyond the time we spend together. Hope this makes sense...

I would be surprised if the man you are with would abandon you in his heart. He might not be the one that you are able to make a go of it with in the long run, but I suspect that will be your chose rather than his.

I think it is a really good idea that you meet his other partner. Myths are dispelled when metamours meet. It makes a huge difference to your feelings of jealousy and envy when you actually meet the object of them.

Next step is to start negotiating your boundaries and determine what boundaries the other two have. Its a difficult and time consuming task, but is so necessary. Once you have an idea of where everyone stands the boundaries can be fluid and movable as you go along...

Some common themes are sex, time, more partners, metamour relationships, holiday times, coming out, goals for the future... of course all of these don't need to be looked at all at once, but will often come up. It's early days yet and the first thing to do is to feel like you are part of his life and he is part of yours... including his other partner(s) either physically or in your mind only.

Once you have established a basis to talk then it sounds like time management is the first thing on the agenda... it sounds like your needs aren't being met in this way and you have every right to ask for certain amounts of time at certain times of the week, depending on what works for you.

I suggest that you do a search in the tags for "secondary" "jealousy" "lessons" "foundations" "mono/poly" "metamours" "primary" "heirarchy" any or all of these terms as there is a world of knowledge in the threads that have gone before you. You are not alone.
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