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Old 01-23-2011, 03:41 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by Sindris View Post
................I'd like nothing more than to stamp out the bitter jealousy I feel twords her, the time she gets... it's all very hard.

Especially where I feel insecure (it's hierarchy... I'd much rather it be hinge, or something where I feel like I won't walk away with nothing in the end, if it comes to that). He's very understanding, especially that this is the first time I've attempted anything poly. He 's understanding that I might need to back out of the situation, as bonded as we seem to have become, painful as it is.

Is there anything I can do to strike some logic into my emotional overdrive? I hate feeling the way I do. I just don't know how to not feel resentment and jealousy with his primary... it's upsetting. Advice would be very welcome.
Hey Sindris,

Welcome ! Glad you chose to join us

First off (this seems to be a rash in the last few days) - clarity.

What you're dealing with here is NOT 'jealousy' (yet).
It's ENVY. You called it correctly (sort of) yourself.
It's important not to confuse the two because the approach and tools are quite different.

Someone else has something you don't (yet).
Can you think of ANYTHING else in your life similar ? Cars ? House ? Job ?
How are you dealing with those ?
Probably just that that's the way things are currently (accepting) and working towards changing those that seem important enough. Right ?

Same tools here

Patience. Positive steps in the right direction. Not doing things that will sabotage your progress (buying clothes out of the new house savings account). Etc etc....

It's always hierarchal at first when someone comes into an existing situation (relationship, job, family whatever). What changes (or eliminates) the heirachy is usually trust and confidence. Love grows with loving actions.

Try to be as open and honest as you can with them both. be kind. They are going to have their own struggles too. Try to build a solid team all working in the same direction.

One other thing that might help.......

Beware of building 'expectations'. 'Expectations' are different than 'hopes'. What you many want this to look like, how it may progress etc, are very likely to be different than some grand plan. Be open. Be flexible. It's entirely possible that what you end up with is more beautiful and wonderful than the plan you saw going in. Just different.


Good luck. Be happy.

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