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Old 01-22-2011, 10:32 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Where is it written that you must be ballsy all the time? Or that you must always be bold and in charge of your feelings in a sexual or romantic situation? Where is it written that you can't feel shy, vulnerable, giddy, insecure, bashful, embarrassed? All too often, we fall into the trap of making our minds up about who we are and how we're supposed to be, without allowing for the range of human experience that is natural. Saying, "I should be ballsier" or "I should be dominant" is only giving yourself a very narrow confine in which to try and fit all of who you are. Those aren't really who you are; those are essentially just labels, or stories you tell yourself about who you are. Such "rules" that you "should" be a certain way, and maintain a certain amount of control in a situation can prevent you from being authentic and feeling what you truly feel, and could also possibly be an unconscious self-protective mechanism. Have you ever thought that perhaps your shyness or vulnerability is also attractive and part of what draws others to you?

I have a lover whom I call Shorty on this forum. Whenever I have mentioned to him that I am sometimes shy, he has a hard time believing that, because I come across to most people as confident, outspoken, and self-assured. Now, sexually, he has had more diverse experiences than I have, and so with him I explore new things. Often I am trembling when we're in bed together, out of excitement and a little fear and some inhibitions. If I tried to hide that from him and just "be ballsy" while barreling through the physical act, I would miss a lot of the sensations and emotions that I have around sex. I would miss out on meeting myself, essentially, and getting to know better who I am. He also wouldn't be as sensitive to my needs if he didn't see that I was nervous. Because I let myself be vulnerable with him, or embarrassed, or shy, or whatever, he is patient and appropriately responsive. We go at the pace I need, and I feel safe to explore. And in this way, I meet my "inner prude" and challenge her, but with self-love and self-compassion.

Human beings and human sexuality are fluid things, not rigid and set in stone. You might have always identified yourself as being a certain way and when something or someone comes along and feelings come up that go against what you thought of yourself, there is no need to correct it or be mad at yourself for not fitting your old idea about who you are. You are a multi-faceted being and that is a beautiful thing. Take time to get to know YOU. Find safe spaces and people that enable you to explore those heretofore unknown parts of yourself. That is how we can become more comfortable with ourselves. All of ourselves, not just the parts we prefer.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 01-22-2011 at 10:38 PM.
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