View Single Post
Old 09-03-2009, 11:30 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900

Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
In the respect I have had experience with, as part of a couple wanting to open to someone outside our jumping rope play, I found it difficult to get across the understanding that this other person would not have to function as a "secondary" --, but could join as an equal -- even though coming late to the play. Later, much later, it was aparent that he neither wanted that nor was he capalble of it -- but I KNEW that I was capable of it, and that my already jumping rope partner was also capable.
Even when a couple invites a third in to be a complete equal, there are inherent imbalances that exist. If the couple has been together a number of years they have made all sorts of decisions about the life they've built that the third would not have had a voice in. It would be a case of trying to fit an outside element into something already established. I respect that for some people that's not an issue at all, and they would be able to pick up from wherever they were at.

But I know that for myself, I really look forward to building a life with someone and really value that process of building a life together. I would have to give up a great deal of that if I were to join a couple. When I'm with a couple, I tend to feel a distinct loss of those opportunities and privileges that they enjoyed.

As for the "secondary" issue, people define things very differently in such things. For me, that label can often just point to the logistics, not the amount of love shared. A primary is a person with whom you live, have kids with, etc. Secondaries can be intense loving relationships as well, just in some different circumstance from the primary. It's entirely possible to have more than one primary (in fact, I know lots of people that have that) and I'm certainly open to something like that, because I would still get to enjoy the process of building a life or starting a family. I have some loves where I am in a more secondary position, and I'm ok with that, but I don't want only secondary relationships in my life. I hope to have the chance to have a primary relationship.

But the thing is, years ago, I made a promise to myself to be open to any kind of love that my show up in my life. So despite the fact that I still haven't found that primary relationship (whatever that means), I've still been able to enjoy love in all sorts of ways I never expected (including a lovely relationship with a couple I'm having right now). Unfortunately, it still doesn't take away the ache of that fundamental lack I feel.

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
While I know that the former are possible and do happen, the latter are a more likely scenario. Especially given how difficult it must be to find other poly-oriented singles in a community that is strongly focused on couples.

I hope that clears up what I meant a little.
Yep, that certainly does clear it up. Thanks!

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
If you feel very strongly that you cannot be a second primary and are, therefor by default, a secondary to anyone coupled that you may become involved with, then I can't debate your feeling. If you wish to form your own primary relationship with another single poly, then I hope you get your wish. And you seem such a strong and determined woman I am sure you will and I am sure you will never sell yourself short in reaching for what you want.

Please forgive us couples though if you are so desirable we just can't resist trying.
I am certainly open to being an additional primary (not a second primary). What I'm looking for is the chance to build a life together, not join a life that's already been built. I'm hoping to have a family as well. If the cards happen to fall that this happens with two primaries but we can still get to go through the beautiful process of building and growing a life together, then I have no issue with that. Unfortunately, I can't see having that with a couple that has already established their life together.

And shucks! <blush> There's certainly nothing to forgive on the part of couples. Like I said before, I unexpectedly fell for one lately. Feel free to woo away. And thanks so much for vote of confidence!
Reply With Quote