red flag *DADT here seems a little deceptive. Is it a DADT or cheating? to me it sounds like cheating. If this were me I would get off this NRE band wagon and readjust your selves. There seems to be some major denial here about ethics... take a look at some threads on "cheating" and "affairs" by doing a search. Also take a look at "lessons" and "foundations" of poly in the tag search area. Also "DADT" threads too. You will find that poly is ETHICAL not cheating and this level of DADT. At least for the majority it seems...
I think that you need to shake your heads a bit and get off the gaga train over this guy. So what if he is sexy blah blah blah.... he is not being faithful and respectful to his wife and that indicates that he won't be respectful to you two either. He lacks integrity, honesty, open communication, respect... all poly foundations in my book.
Saying "she won't understand" is bullshit. It sounds like he hasn't given her a chance or doesn't care enough to. How does that reflect on him? If it isn't going to work for her because she doesn't get it then he needs to leave her... if she is willing to negotiate boundaries so that he can do his "thing" then he needs to get going on that....
I would not get involved with this as it will fall on your head one day... speaking from experience and from reading here. The fingers will be pointing at you as the destroyer of their marriage... a wrath that I doubt you want. Ya, I would be done with him saying that he should get his shit sorted out and come back in a year if he has. Otherwise you want no part of is life until he does so.
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