I haven't been sleeping well this week. I haven't completely nailed down the reason yet. Someone I worked with passed away last week and she is also a community member in the community where I work. The family are in a state of crisis. I'm having some guilt over looking for a new job. The thing is that this community will never be without crisis and it will never be a good time to move on. I need to move on to a position where I'm feeling like I can make a difference again.
I also worry about keeping my husband awake as I'm falling asleep. As I'm falling asleep my body twitches and he's commented on it more than once. So if he comes to bed as I'm drifting off I tend to worry that if I let myself sleep I'll keep him awake.
And then there's been the what if worries about coming out. With my book going missing and my daughter's comment on the weekend it's been on my mind a lot. Some of the stuff I'm facing is kind of a coming out to myself (which is a little bit scary in and of it's self).
I sent a message to my husband's girlfriend yesterday to see if she would like to get together and to get to know one another better as I know I've made a pretty lousy impression on her. I'm on edge waiting to hear back. I guess I'm kind of expecting the worst there. Although I am hopeful that she'll give me the chance to be who I am when I'm not feeling all fearful and threatened.
Maybe I can just blame the full moon, if there is one at the moment. Things will settle in me again, right now I'm just feeling stirred up.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.