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Old 01-20-2011, 12:11 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,683

Thank you Sage for writing. There is definitely a need for polys to have space to have a voice when it comes to mono/poly relationships. Everyone is trying to work it out in that kind of dynamic. Sometimes one over another. It ebbs and flows.

Yes, freedom and comfort for me is based on the acceptance that my heart is always open to love and whatever that brings. I want others to trust. I want to let my heart go without the threat that they will leave me (my biggest fear). I find it impossible to trust Mono when he says he will just change how he feels. Its hard to trust when I am told that he will stay loving me as he does now if I control my love for others. It goes against my values. It goes against my nature.

I admit that I have needed to slow down with letting people into my life and not make myself vulnerable sexually and in a loving way to any Tom, Dick or Harry. Mono has helped with that. He is only comfortable with our tribe rather than comfortable with my process and work towards achieveing clarity, honesty and balance in my relationships from here on in where ever they may appear from.

It would mean a change for him if he thought outside of our tribe and he is not willing to look at that. He is proud of what we have created and so am I and that seems to mean covetting it to him.

I am not asking him to change either, but I fear that I will have to leave him one day or force change.

To me it feels like I am in a monogamous relationship with three people. I feel owned by them because of his point of view. If I lose one, or both due to a break up and end up with just Mono then I will feel the same as I do now (apart from the pain of breaking up that is). Actually I can include women in my life, no problem. Funny how that is not an issue for him and therefore not my focus.

I guess I feel as if I am a single poly in a family type poly fi relationship. Not that I am into many lovers on a casual basis but I am into being open to the freedom to love.

To Mono I am friends with Leo. I don't feel that. That is enough to make me feel uncomfortable being in this situation with Leo. I now feel that I not only have to surpress my desire to be closer, but surpress my emotions of love so that they become that of friendship. It sadens me, but I can get through it with him.

I appreciate your writing Sage because I respect you and your thoughts. You are in the position Mono is in. At least I believe this to be so anyway. Your thoughts and questions are invulable to me as I need a push to be able to see clearly what to do when the moment arises that change will happen in some way. I know I could just leave it, but why not be proactive if I can right?
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