Originally Posted by marymary
i've just come out of my first attempt at a poly relationship. we met three years ago and when we met we each had f*ck-buddies but nobody we were coupled with. we fell for each other big time. we had lots of ups and downs but always seem to have strong passionate feelings for each other and lots of love. a few times he started seeing other women but each time it either didn't last or just moved into a f*ck-buddy scenario.
i was never jealous of his f*ck-buddies but sometimes when he started to see someone and seemed quite into them (like it was at least a possibility they might couple) i would get very very insecure and upset. often he would have met or gotten together with them at a time when things were rocky between us or i was upset about something. he says himself he is not good at giving reassurances and i have to agree he really is tactless and insensitive sometimes simply through not realising things. i am not brilliant at asking for suport/help either as i have some pride issues about pretending to be ok when i'm not.
at one point, at my suggestion, we had a temporary monogamy month to try and repair some stuff between us. i liked it, he said it was okay but was keen for it to end and immediately started seeing another woman. we tried, at my suggestion, calling each other partners and being primary and i liked it but he said he felt restrained/trapped.
in november i ended things with him whilst feeling very triggered by something he did. i quickly regretted it and begged his forgiveness. in the two weeks we were apart he started seeing someone. he didn't tell me this when i asked to get back together with him but he did say he wanted it to be much more casual between us and less emotionally dependant. i agreed wholeheartedly and said this was a good idea, mostly because i thought it was the only way he would take me back. i knew he was seeing others but just not this one woman. i heard about her because he said her name in his sleep just after we got back together. he said he was going to tell me about her he just hadn't yet and i accepted this.
she is clearly important to him. so is his freedom. i told him i don't want anyone else right now except you, i don't care who you have sex with but i want to be your most important person. he said he couldn't offer that. he said he loves me and is in love with me, he said he doesn't love her, but he is obviously really into her. i want to be a primary with someone, but i can't be secondary not with him. not after what we had. when it was good it was soooo good.
last weekend he told me he had very little spare time to hang out with me during the coming week, but later i found out he'd already set aside more then 24 hours to spend with her this week.
he invited all of his lovers to his house party at the weekend, all at the same time, by text. i couldn't face it so i didn't go but his three lovers did and apparently it all went really well.
would you not give your lover of three years any precedence over new lovers you've only known three or four months? is this behaviour normal in the poly world?
three words WHAT THE FUCK?!
sorry just had to say it... sometimes theres no other expression that would do. Seems like he dont want a comitted relationship at ALL.... seems like he just wants to party.
hun...WHEW what a situation your in. In your post he's told you in no less words that he wants a casual thing with you right?... He's shown you by his actions to... right? Then if all thats true and im not just reading it wrong..... sorry to say.. but if it was me I'd get to stepping.
I dont think that poly is this way at all.I do see by your post there is a lack of whats called good old fashioned RESPECT... it doesnt seem he has much respect for you. However, You need to have respect for yourself and tell him how you feel... straight up.
always remember... theres some things thats WORSE than being by yourself for awhile.Also.. it seems he's running from himself to. The fear of comittment sometimes one who acts like that... does those things so they can have the relationship(physical) without the work that comes along with it. Relationships are Hard WORK. thats what alot of folks dont understand. Its not all roses... sometimes theres thorns in there to. But in the end if its right...... the thorns dont matter... and what DOES matter is the beautiful rose you get to enjoy.
I hope things work out for you in any decision you make concerning this. Just dont forget your never by yourself.. Never.There's always someone to talk to.. even if its someone here. I am sure theres lots of folks here that could give alot of insight on your situation. And I Do hope what I said makes sense lol.