Me and my story in a nutshell
I want to describe my situation, but am leaning on the side of caution and to not be TMI. If there is anything that I speak of that if not exactly clear please feel free to ask me, I will answer if possible.
Bit of history:
I am going to be 34 next week. My BF and I have been in a relationship on and off for ten years. Very early on he wanted to be in a poly situation and omg did I ever fight that kicking and screaming the whole way! It literally took a couple of years to be ok with that concept at all. I was absolutely NOT ok with it. And because of that, He suffered. He chose to continue to see only me to make me happy. But in the end neither of us were happy. And I sincerely regret my behavior at the time. I under went counseling on an entirely different subject, but while I was doing that, I learned alot about myself on a whole, and also how I truly felt about love and relationships.
My insecurities about poly were never about him or any other woman, they stemmed way back from an abusive relationship that I had from a previous marriage. Where I was cheated on, physically, mentally and sexually abused, everything that could go wrong, did. Since My Bf and I started seeing each other shortly after all that ended, I never had the opportunity to heal from that previous relationship. I never was able to separate the two at the time. I saw his wanting to be poly potentially being the same thing I had dealt with before. I can now look back and know for sure how very wrong I was in that assumption. BF now is NOT and NEVER will be what my ex husband was. A total and complete JERK. EX constantly told me I would never be good enough, and I let that stick in my head for a very long time. Feeling like you are not good enough on all levels, defiantly is not healthy in general, especially when you have a bf who wants another woman. Being newly disabled due to a severe sleep disorder, and having the sex drive of a rock made things that much more difficult for me. And most definitely for my Bf. The beginning was a real struggle for us both.
How I feel about love and relationships:
I suspect I have always felt this way actually. But my upbringing and former relationships, and society in general have all told me this is all very very wrong. Once I started thinking for myself though, and to hell with the rest of them, I realized that not only am I very accepting of poly relationships, I actually WANT that for myself. (LOL. If I wasn't in a relationship I would be a perfect unicorn. I am super low maintenance and with a low sex drive, I am good with every so often. I'm am mostly about the intellectual aspects of relationships than I am the physical ones.) There are so many people on this earth, so much we can learn from each other, so much love to share, who wouldn't want this? Being able to experience the energy of another human being is such a beautiful thing! Whether it be intellectual or a physical relationship, There is so much more for all of us out there. We owe it to ourselves to search out and experience happiness, in all forms.
My relationship as of now:
My Bf and I are doing well. Despite all the drama other girls have caused. (since they were not good candidates) We do have some struggles ahead of us, after all this time I am moving pretty far away, next month actually, and I know the LDR will be hard on us when we have spent all this time together. I sincerely wish he had found some one worthy to go through this with him as I know that me leaving is going to be a hard thing for him to deal with. I am also struggling with the idea of me seeing other people during this time apart. I have never done it before. It has just never been a desire, and it still isn't at this time, but this will be a LT move for me and I am bound to eventually need to find some sort of connection also.
Its going to be a long and interesting road, but we are trying to see the positives and not the negatives. We discussed actually breaking up, but neither of us want that... so we will see where the wind takes us I suppose.
Okay, so that is me. I cant think of anything else to add at the moment.
I will post again to update.
Thanks for listening.