I don't think anyone here was intentionally picking on you. Your husband started the thread, and so we were certainly aimed at him, and perhaps what you see as assumptions were in fact us just making sure you guys were going about things in a constructive way.
What do I mean by this? Well, for example, if I said, "Your wife and her bf should be going at your pace" that, to me, would get your husband thinking about whether or not that was happening. You both say it is, but we have to make sure before we can help any further, right? I can see how if you are already doing that, our questions might feel like assumptions.
To be honest, most people new to the forum don't have their shit together. We see a lot of "too much, too fast." We tend to ask direct questions. This can seem confrontational, but I assure anyone taking the time to offer insight is not a troll. We do weed those types out quickly.
I know that I err on the side of "people don't have their shit together" until it becomes otherwise apparent, because you can't help someone if they don't have the basics down. Love, communication, respect.
As well, we all have our own baggage and perspectives. My hubby, who has posted on this thread, really struggled with jealousy at the outset of our poly relationship. I suspect he identifies much more with your husband than with you because of this.
He's better able to offer suggestions based on what helped him.
So, I hope you'll all stay and if we seem to assume, don't hesitate to ask for clarification. There are some really wonderful, helpful people here who put in a lot of effort on the forums.