Been away, for a good long while.....
This one isn't pasted from my iPhone... I've been too busy to keep up with a journal, but here I am again with insides all a churn and my head a mess.
I have been gone from home for 2 and a half months now. W moved back home before my spot on our bed even had a chance to cool off. I never can really understand how to feel about the fact that she leaves home so fast after I deploy. I don't know whether I am hurt that she is so quick to run away from our home (and in my head, from me) or to be touched that I mean so much to her that she can't stand to stay in the empty house where I am supposed to be.
Or to be paranoid and let the jealous bug tell me that she's eager for her opportunity to run free (this voice is the quietest, but only because I tell it so loudly to shut the fuck up.)
I am having difficulty coming to terms that I have just spent months alone away from home while the love of my life has spent the time with another. It is difficult when she is with P for a night or away for a week.
Can our relationship endure the seperation AND the additional cast? How did things get to be where I am so worried about this other person? I have this feeling in my gut that I'm not being told things. Details of events are being left out. I used to get daily e-mails while I was away. I'm lucky to get 2 a week lately. The letters I do get are generally short and almost feel like they are more out of a feeling of obligation rather than a genuine interest in communicating.
W was very unhappy a few days back. Moody after a trip to our home and back with P, during which they slept 2 nights in our bed, which bothers me, whether it should bother me or not. But more so than that, I was bothered by her response to my asking why she was so upset.
Her response was more along the lines of, "my bed is empty" than, "I miss you".
I was crushed.
I very well might be acting neuorotic. I have been known to jump at shadows. I routinely over-think and over analyze things. Not to mention, getting a feel for someone's emotional state is pretty damn hard over e-mail messages, and leaves a whole lot of room for poor interpretation.
I keep coming back to the question of why I am doing this. I love my wife very much, but this is a whole lot of pain for me, and very little benefit. I continue to endure it because I desperatly want her to be happy.
Here comes the but.
I want to be happy too, and I'm starting to wonder if I can be happy in this arrangement. I've been wondering for a while. When this all started almost 2 years ago I was naive'. I didn't think I was capable of jealousy. I thought it would be wonderful to share my amazing wife with someone else, so that she could get all the affection and care she deserved.
I thought it wouldn't affect me. About that I was dead wrong, but I rationalized that her being happy was worth my discomfort (or whatever adjective it is that best suits how the situation is affecting me)
The real problem here is that I don't know what it is that I want. I only know what I don't want.
I don't want her to change her behavior because of me. She has and always will be free to make her own decisions. I know what it is to feel resentment, and I would rather her leave me to be with someone else than stop seeing someone because of me and resent me for pushing her to do so.
I don't want to be alone. I don't want to need affection and not get it. I don't want to feel like I am sitting around waiting for my turn to be petted.
I don't want to feel like an obligation or a burden.
I don't want my relationship with my wife to end. I didn't want it to change either, but I knew when this started that it would. I'm not happy about it. I cried about it. I had that moment of heartbreak months ago when I realized things would never be the same between us as they had been for all these past 13 years. She will never be all mine again.
But she was never all mine in the first place, right? It is just hard to let old ideals go.
The more you judge, the less you love
The only common thread in all my failed relationships, is ME.