My choice of words has been jumped on from the beginning in this and it's a bit frustrating. I was speaking for my bf, not because of a him and I against my hubby mentality but because he is not here to defend his actions and behaviors in this. From the beginning, it was said that he and I were not being supportive, that we were not going at this the right way and that we should be moving at hubby's pace. I've expressed to him to come here and do more then just read so from now on I will not speak for him, only for myself.
I stay up until all hours of my night in order to talk this over and under with my hubby as he is 14 hours ahead of me. I do this knowing that he needs this support and deserves it for even considering something so far outside of his realm of normal. I am not very good with emotional things, never have been but as frustrated as I get I always come back to the situation. My world has begun to revolve around this at the exclusion of other things, the only thing not falling to the wayside is our 4 children. I understand what I am asking for him to accept is a lot and I am so proud of him for coming as far as he has. I knew going into this that it would be easier if I waited until we were together, so that this wasn't done long distance however that would have meant hiding it and that wasn't something I even considered. I am in this for the long haul with him, and will do whatever it takes for him to feel better about this situation but most importantly about himself.
It has been asked if I feel that I spend more time with the bf then with my husband, time wise, no I don't. However much of the time spent with my hubby is not dedicated one on one time as his children only have limited times that they can see him due to our schedules, and therefore he and I have less time just us. That said, my bf only receives dedicated one on one time if the chance occurs which is not often. I am a firm believer that it's not all about quantity but rather about the quality of time spent together.
I do struggle to understand some of the things that upset my hubby because a good chunk of things are not actual actions or situations, rather things that he has thought up and imagined. I myself am not a person who goes down the what if road and so I have trouble following, however I know that this is the way that he processes and I try very very hard to go with him on his journey. While reminding him that we are heading down a self destructive path that's not always necessary. Do I always handle it the best way, no but I do provide every reassurance I can. I don't fight clean, he knows that, and when he attacks and lashes out at me, I don't sit and take it. It is a constant back and forth.
This thread has helped a few things come to head with us, and for that I am thankful. However because his post came out of a frustrated place (his words not mine) he left out a lot of information that would have been pertinent before people started placing the blame at my feet and implying that I have not been trying, rather forcing this on him. I grew up in this lifestyle, both my parents and many of their friends and seeing this as a "normal" situation I learned a lot. I know that you can't do this without a strong relationship without everyone involved being willing to put in the effort, to step out of their comfort zone for a moment and put themselves in the other person's shoes. The last 2 months have been spent focused on the idea I brought to the table, and I don't think that it is far fetched to ask him to take a break from that to focus on him and I for just a day. We are not near each other, will not physically be in the presence of one another until this summer. Your average bonding techniques don't work when all you have is Skype and Yahoo. This additional stress hasn't made anything easier.
My intent has never been to ask him to push his feelings aside or have I told him that they don't matter. I have not pushed past any guidelines or requests that my hubby has made in regards to myself and my bf. He has not made any or set any, though we have asked so that we can help to make him comfortable. The things that we have done, are things that myself or my bf did or do in an attempt to put the hubby more at ease. In reading through some of these well intentioned responses, assumptions were made in that regard that were just that. I found this site and recommended it to the hubby and bf to help us through this and so far it has. I do wish the help didn't begin as a fight because of hurt feelings but I do appreciate the help. Our pace it seems is 2 steps forward and 1 step back and while that might be trying at times, it is still a step forward and in a good direction.