Update on the Elephant House
Itís been a while, and I donít want anyone here to think Iíve just stayed ďstuckĒ all this time, so hereís an update on the situation on the ground at my house.
There is no poly-friendly counselor available where I live. I could see an individual counselor, but I really want to deal with this in a way that opens my heart to more love, more openness, more possibilities, and mental health professionals are just not trained, traditionally, to think in polyamorous terms. So Iíve decided to study up on the matter myself, and apply what I already know and the skills I already have, and see if I canít find my way through this maze. If I canĖ great! If I canít . . . well, there are always those nice young men in their clean white coats who can come and take me away, ha ha, hee hee, ho ho . . .
The elephant is still living in our house. It pretty much follows Hubby from room to room, occasionally waving flags and blowing whistles, but Hubby refuses to have a look. Which gives me plenty of time to think and study.
Since the last time I wrote, my beloved, precious Hubby has more or less fallen all over himself to demonstrate how much he loves me. While I was away from home (taking care of some stuff for his mom) he sent me 2 dozen red roses, then the next week he sent me a huge package of love notes Iíve saved over the years. Called me every day, five or six times a day. Now that Iím home, he brings me coffee in bed, which he knows I love. He does a million little things to tell me he loves me, that I am important to him, that he cares. I am convinced. He loves me. Good thing, too, because Iím over the moon about him. He is the love of my life and I know I am his.
But he will not talk about what happened.
I, on the other hand, have not been standing still. Iíve been studying up, thinking hard about a lot of things, and taking a hard look at the baggage in my closets. And Iíve reached a few conclusions.
Iím not ready to trust Star with my heart on that level. I still love her, of course, sheís still my bff and I would trust her on many, many levels, but not that one. Iíve seen her behave like a bull in a china closet with other peopleís hearts, and Iím not ready to hand her mine again. Maybe someday, but not now. I may be once bitten/twice shy, but there it is.
Iíve also come to the conclusion that Hubbyís not ready to go poly. Specifically, heís not ready for the level of communication, care and ongoing relational involvement that poly requires.
Also, he canít pay sufficient attention to me when other people are involved, polyamorous or not. Let me give you one example and I think youíll see what I mean. We had some friends over to swim in our new pool, a guy and a girl. Good music, good friends, nice day. Everyoneís having a good time, etc. Hubbyís going into the house and asks if he can get anyone anything. Joe wants a beer, Jill wants water and Iíll have a diet coke, thanks. He comes back with the beer and the water, but forgot the coke. No biggie. Itís not that important; I let it slide. A while later, Hubbyís going in again, and wants to know who wants what. Joe will take another beer, thanks. Jill wonders if thereíre any chips and salsa left. And Iíd like a coke, thanks. At that moment, he said, ďOh yeah! Your coke!Ē The beer and the chips and salsa made it outside. No coke, though. I donít want to make a big deal, but Iím thirsty. And I know heís not going to remember the coke. So I get out of the pool and go in. When Hubby sees me coming out of the house with the Coke, at that moment he remembers it, and he gets all bent out of shape. I know heís ticked with himself for forgetting it twice, but itís thereís no point in getting worked up about it. And thereís certainly no point in sniping at me about it! Please! Either do it or donít, but donít say one thing and do another! I hate that!
(Which of course, that just plays into the issues opened up in the OP, and here we go . . . let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin.)
This is just one recent example. When weíre alone, I am the queen of his world, his true love, his heartís desire. My wish is his command. When weíre with other people . . not so much. And I really donít think it would bother me much, except that itís pretty consistent behavior and it shows that I just fall off his radar screen. In terms of just our dyad, I can deal with it. Itís an irritant, but ultimately itís just one thing and nobody bats 1.000. God knows I have plenty of flaws he has to deal with. But do I want to introduce the complications and emotions that come with romance, relationships and NRE? Thanks, Iíll pass. In fact, to quote Whitney Houston, ďHELL to the NO!Ē
This is one of the issues we will have to address if weíre going to continue moving toward a poly life. I am a strong Alpha female; thereís no way on Godís green earth I could tolerate being overlooked that way in favor of another love interest. Period, end of story. And of course thereíre the issues brought up in the OP still to be dealt with. None of which we are talking about.
So thatís where we are now. I feel like Iíve been learning and growing all this time, thanks to some serious research, study, and soul-searching, and also thanks in no small part to all you wonderful, wise, witty people here at the forum.
So when heís ready to talk about the elephant, Iím ready. But if a poly life is what he really wants, someday heís going to have to deal with the elephant.