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Old 01-17-2011, 06:40 PM
rubrklnx rubrklnx is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2
Default Am I being too hasty?

Hi everyone,

I find myself in a situation I could use some advice on. I would appreciate lots different perspectives on this matter; I feel like I can't really get a "forest through the trees" view on it and I am sure there's a wealth of knowledge and experience here.

I met a guy, let's call him Aarin, at an event in the summer of last year. At that same event I met his wife, Anika, and her boyfriend, Michael. Aarin and I got to chatting and found ourselves quite smitten with each other that evening. We spent some time alone together and some time with Anika and Michael. All was above board and quite twittter-pating.

I, fortunately or unfortunately, have a couple stumbling blocks that I bring to this scenario. The first is that I've had a relationship with a married man in the past that ended up ending on a very sad note because the boundaries of he and his wife's marriage didn't allow for me to progress with him beyond a casual dating scenario (kudos to them for setting that up and being honest about it). I felt more than a bit sad after that parting and decided married men weren't really for me unless I had another partner with whom I could be involved. Secondly, I did a lot of exploration while in that relationship and came to the conclusion that I'm not in the strictest sense "polyamorous." I don't believe I have the capability to be in love with more than one person at once. I am fine with this conclusion and still see it as ok to date people who do define themselves as poly as long as we're all on the same page about our feelings and the nature of our relationship.

So, back to Anika and Aarin. I first tried to stop seeing Aarin entirely the week after our meeting because I had resolved to not date married men again. Anika was actually quite a big supporter of Aarin and I pursuing a relationship, to the point of calling me and asking why I wasn't following my heart with this one. Finally, I agreed that I should be happy even if it's for the short term, and decided to pursue a relationship with Aarin.

Over the course of the next few months Aarin and Anika experienced a wonderful kind of compersion through Aarin and I's NRE, and Anika and I even at a couple points had some interesting entanglements. Unfortunately, as Aarin and I's relationship grew it became more and more obvious that Aarin and I are meant for each other (I know, it sounds a bit high school, doesn't it?). He and I have a way of communicating and seeing eye to eye that neither of us has ever experienced with someone else.

Anika and Aarin's relationship has suffered somewhat because of that fact. Anika has broken up with Michael after some unrelated and some related events, which leaves her even more lonely and needy for Aarin's time when he's with her (and even sometimes when he's with me). She and he had a defining series of conversations where he was as gentle as he could be admitting that he loves me in a different way that he loves her, and yes, he still loves her deeply, but not like this. She had to take a while to adjust to this and has only just in the past couple weeks really gotten back to feeling in support of he and I's relationship and not needing to process and work through things with Aarin on a daily basis.

So a couple days ago I told Aarin I needed to break up with him. I couldn't be around and entangled with a marriage that is suffering this much (and the lines are blurry on whether its because of me, because of them, or some of both), and also because, as I told Aarin, I need to find someone for myself for whom I can be Primary, and being in love with Aarin and trying to date other people will mean I can't fall in love with anyone else.

Aarin and Anika both think I'm being too hasty in leaving Aarin. They say I should be happy with him while I can, even if it never means that I can be married to him or be his Primary. Its tearing me apart thinking I might be pushing the love of my life away, and its tearing me apart knowing I'm the reason Aarin and Anika are at odds with each other. I feel between a rock and a hard place.

Does anyone have any experience or perspective they could offer me on this? I would really appreciate a view on this that is from a few neutral third parties.

Thanks in advance, and to all of you,
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