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Old 01-17-2011, 08:43 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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So this was another full weekend. I realized last night at a BDSM event that I do much better in a smaller group. The crowd wasn't as big and I felt much more like I could listen and talk because of it. For some reason at these events especially I get more overwhelmed than usual. I think that most people think I am just arrogant, snobby, judgmental, I don't know what, when really I just need to transition and adjust to the environment... or that I am just doing all my tricks to be okay in the circumstance.

Last night I took a long while to get into the scene of just being there. I ended up blindfolding Mono so that he would just stand there and no one would come and talk to us. He stood beside me, collared and on his leash and patiently waited until I directed him.

I have been feeling owned by him lately and that he is the dominant one. I have felt of late that because of the issues that arose with Leo that I don't have a say in how my heart may wander. It's hard to dom someone when I feel that way.

I decided to turn that feeling around to reflect my frustration in this and to take some control back and punish him for this feeling I have. I gave him a good flogging on the scaffolding and left him hanging off of them. His ass was raw. I don't usually flog his ass as he hasn't been able to take too much of that, but last night I went to town. Bruises arose this morning.

When I was finished I felt better. I felt empowered again and in control of what I do with my heart. He enjoyed it too, although we didn't really have a good enough check in I am now realizing...

This will always be a constant struggle with Mono I think. There is not way around it. I can't ask him to push himself and don't feel that it should be necessary. I just have to trust.

We are all in a really good place right now, after a long battle to establish ourselves. I really don't want to do anything but enjoy what we have. What happens tomorrow will be revealed when it needs to be. I am not crying out for my needs to be met. I just want to have a free heart. I have that as much as is able.

On other topics... my sex life is all wonky. I am trying to think of ways to balance it better. I can't seem to grasp how. Or that I even want to... I would be doing it for PN.

PN and I don't have sex often, although he has been asking lately... he has an expectation that I go to bed at 10 and that we have sex and that I stay there. I don't want to. I don't mind having sex, I just don't want to go to bed yet.

Most times I don't feel like it with him... I love him and am attracted to him, but sex is not my priority most of the time... with Mono it is. I don't know if PN knows that as it's not something that is up for discussion or up until now is something I thought should be... but maybe I should talk to him about it.

I don't know what the point would be and I don't want to hurt him by talking, but after carefully considering it for some time I wonder. I suspect it will do more damage than good as he is not the same as Mono in a sexual way and is who he is... his desire to have sex and mine with him is totally different. Should I try and change that? Do I want to change that? What do I hope to achieve by saying anything on this topic? I'm good with how it all is, I just don't know if he is...I guess I could ask him some questions and see how he is doing... I dunno... kind of lost on this one. Some input would be awesome.
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