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Old 01-17-2011, 05:31 AM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Originally Posted by redevil View Post
Our biggest obstacle right now, which I think is getting missed in all this is that we are not in the same country. None of us are. We have 3 time zones, 3 countries and 3 continents to deal with and it will be like that for possibly a year. The 3 of us talk regularly via conference chats and the boys talk regularly as well. We have spent many an hour hashing things out and bouncing things off of each other. We even had one this evening because of this thread actually.

The bf and I deal with things in the same way and it's hard for us to see things the way the hubby does. Not because we don't understand them, we both do. We don't understand how he bounces around. One minute we are fine and then 5 minutes later..we aren't. Human nature is what it is and I came into this expecting a long road to acceptance and peace. I wasn't naive to that. But this is a two way street and a little more involvement and a little less letting it roll over and being unhappy about it would be really appreciated.
I didn't miss the fact that you three are in different countries, continents, and time zones. All the advice that has been offered is sound to your situation, you can set times, communication can be made.

To be honest, you don't need to understand why he bounces around; you must acknowledge that it matters, and address his concerns even if they seem unfounded. Explain to him why they are unfounded and be ready to accept the fact that you may not be able to convince him totally. Because the situation is dealing with deep emotions there are bound to be some moments where emotions swing back and forth. By no right should you expect him to be fine with it all the time; it's emotion, it's neither consistent nor is there rhyme or reason to it, but there are definitely actions or words that trigger them.

By the same token I think your husband must realize that he has to work through the separation as well as his feelings. He has a right to feel the way he does, but you also have a right to not have it all put on you.

The bf and I deal with things in the same way and it's hard for us to see things the way the hubby does. Not because we don't understand them, we both do. We don't understand how he bounces around.

From your language you are really putting an us versus him mindset to this issue and that's truly self destructive. If you want the marriage and the relationship to work it's not about forcing viewpoints but gaining consensus. Also, you use phrases like "he feels that I am able to spend more time.." are you spending more time with the boyfriend? there has to be a catalyst to this feeling, I would seriously doubt that this feeling would develop out of thin air.

Every relationship progresses at a different speed, but that does not mean that you need to drag MC along at the pace you set; and MC must try to move forward to allow for your relationship with the boyfriend to develop.

That being said, You need to be aware that he may need to take things at his own pace. If his feelings demand slowing things down with the boyfriend, backing off time spent to address MCs needs thoroughly, then that is what needs to be done. If you really care about the man that is your husband, and has put the time building the relationship you and he have then you will need to sacrifice some of the relationship with the boyfriend to help the relationship with your husband.

From the way you are speaking you are putting this new relationship on equal footing, and that can, and seems has lead to a lot of hurt. It's a selfish act that is actively hurting your husband.

If you want both relationships to flourish then Redevil you need to stop the us versus him mentality evident in your post and work towards accommodating what MC needs in terms of the pace at which your V is taking shape; and MC you need to communicate your needs honestly and succinctly and start proactively taking steps to push past your own insecurities.
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.
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