Originally Posted by Indigomontoya
One concept that TP and I embraced at the start of her relationship with Mr. A was "Fair but not equal." essentially acknowledging that I had been here, had put the effort into the relationship and because I was the one being asked to adjust and be ok with the new relationship I had a more important role and feelings to consider; but that also meant that Mr A had rights (for lack of a better term) to be treated fairly in this relationship.
Yes, fair but not equal was something I struggled with as I tried to avoid the trap of not treating my new partner, Mr. A, as a person
, and assuming he'd just be fine with every rule and guideline Indigo set at the beginning.
The way it worked for us, would be Indigo set out a guideline. If I could see any immediate unfairness to it, we would discuss. For exemple, once he stated that if I wanted to go out with friends, that time should come out of my time with Mr. A. I thought this was unfair because me seeing other friends had nothing to do with my relationship with Mr. A, and any time spent with other friends should come out of both
of their time. Indigo agreed with me after I explained my point of view.
After the guideline/rule was deemed acceptable to both of us, I would then bring it to Mr. A and ask for his input. I would bring back any concerns/desired changes to Indigo.
This would be repeated until everyone was happy (or could at least live) with whatever was being discussed.
This process was exhausting, but completely necessary and well worth the effort.
Ideally, the best compromises will push your comfort level a little bit so that you can grow, and cause your partner to be more aware of the process you have to go through.