The best advice I can give you, since I have been through it, is that you need to set hard guidelines of your needs from this poly relationship; that is, what restrictions will make you comfortable enough that you are not hurting. It's on your wife (and subsequently the boyfriend) to allow you time to adjust, if she's not willing to see it from your perspective and just plows ahead in her relationship, you need to reevaluate his respect for you because if that's the case you and your feelings don't mean much to her.
All that being said it becomes also about if it's something you want; do you want to be with her if she has a boyfriend? Can you handle the work that will be required?
All that being said though, you need to realize that some of the work has to come from you, I had to work on my jealousy and insecurities too. I had to ask the questions I put to you because I went through the hurt, and the anxiety, and the jealousy and comparisons and the pain. But I made the decision that I loved TP enough that the work was worth it.
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.